Impatient with PCOS

Potty Training

2012-01-20T22:02:00.006-06:00

This is long (my apologies) and I wouldn't bother reading unless you are actually interested in this topic.

We are potty training Michael.

Actually we have been putting him on the potty since he was about 6 months old. I was pretty good at catching pees. That was nice because cloth diapers don't hold a lot, so every pee in the potty was usually one less diaper I had to wash. I was very happy to have my baby 'using' the potty, but this was more of a recreational hobby for me than training of any kind. But I do believe that getting acquainted with the potty early on has advantages so I did it for that reason too.

I actually started putting more effort behind the whole potty training thing back in late summer this year. But potty training takes a lot of effort and I really wasn't ready to commit to it at that point. I had to jump out of bed and dash to take him to the potty pretty much as soon as he woke up to catch that morning pee, and it's not always that easy to drag myself out of bed. And I didn't have the right tools either. I wanted to have enough trainers or diapers with "natural fiber" inners (for that wet feeling) to aide the process. I also didn't have a travel potty that I loved. So I decided to pull back and wait a little while longer before going all in.

I wasn't intending to start again when we did but Michael was having rash issue and concurrently acting interested in the potty all of a sudden so we started in the middle of Christmas celebrations. Michael has really sensitive skin and any poo against his little butt for any length of time just killed his skin. It was awful. He would yell "HOT!" after diaper changes because his little butt just hurt so bad, so I decided it was time to finish the stack of trainers on my sewing table and get to it. And we haven't looked back since then.

It has been a learning process for all of us. It has been very frustrating at times. Usually when I've had about had it I would remind myself that we'd only been working on it for a few days (or weeks now) really... but boy do the days feel so long sometimes.

One day I was really frustrated with Michael wetting himself a couple times in a row and just happened to be in the library, so I thought I might benefit from reading a book about potty training and found a copy of "Diaper Free Before 3".

I'd give this book a pretty good rating. I share a lot of the beliefs in the book and the author's approach fairly closely mirrors what we've always done.

The author goes into pretty good detail about when children have potty trained historically as well as the where a lot of our modern beliefs about toilet training have come from.

The truth is, children can potty train much earlier than most parents try these days. A lot of that has to do with disposable diapers... not because cloth diapers magically potty train a child, but because the parents (let's face it, mothers) would rather put their effort into training their child than cleaning shitty diapers out (by hand). There has also been a shift towards waiting for "readiness" before training. The author explains how this is mostly junk and only keeps your kid sitting in his filth longer than necessary. The author makes a pretty good point that any child that can be told to bring a diaper and wipe to a parent so that they can change him can be potty trained. The author shows how it's been proven time and time again that the earlier you start, the earlier you finish (there are exceptions of course but this is true for most kids).

I am a little critical of the author because the she's advocating a method that she hasn't even really used with her own children (she did it a little differently with her first 2 and is using it with her 3rd but it was still in progress when she wrote the book). I think her method is good, but I think she'd give more credibly to book if she would have more experience with her own method. She gives advice about talking to your care provider about early potty training but has only used a nanny herself... I know this wouldn't have worked with my daycare--you could barely get them to change the kids, forget actually putting them on a potty. She also totally misses it on whether cloth diapers are better for the environment (her argument is pretty hilarious actually) when she plagiarizes a old and outdated extension office handout (and I'm not saying that cloth is categorically better, but it's definitely not a wash between the two the way she generalizes).

Reading the book helped to provide me some affirmation that I was doing the right thing and gave me some ideas to revise my technique.

And it's going pretty well. Michael is excellent at sitting on the potty and doing his business. He can definitely make himself use the potty when he wants. We are still working on teaching him to hold it. He's initiating a couple potty trips a day. We can make it though the day with just an accident or two. I feel like he's doing very well so far and hopefully we will continue to progress in a forward direction. (He does still wear a diaper for naps and overnight... I'm not even thinking about that stuff at this time.)

Here are some things that have worked for us... and this is not a 'how to', just a few of the many, many things we do on a daily basis to make this transition as easy as possible.

Potty on a schedule- Making potting part of the daily routine. This is good because it works, but also because when we started out Michael didn't know how to make himself eliminate when we needed him to and I didn't want to spend hours every day waiting on him to use the bathroom. So we started out a few key times a day sitting on the potty for a several minutes and if he went, GREAT!, if not, oh well.

Potty after meals- This is part of potting on a schedule, but kids are also more likely to poop after meals. So we set Michael on the potty after meals with a book and he'll sit there for 10 minutes and get it done. Regularity is good, and I'd so rather clean out that potty than a nasty diaper.

Changing up the changing situation- When we first started out we were changing some of his accidents in his room in front of his changer and some in the bathroom. Michael had no idea where to go if he was wet and even I was getting confused by it. We decided to move nearly all of his changing into the bathroom. We can slip his trainers on with him standing up, so that's convenient. If he has a messy accident in his trainers we layout one of the hundred baby towels we have and clean him up right there on the bathroom floor. Since we do still put a diaper on him overnight and at naps we walk him back into his room and put those on in there, but that's it.

Cloth trainers/undies- I've always been very pro-cloth, but I think it's especially important when potty training. Kids need to know they're wet when it happens. Pull-ups are diapers and kids shouldn't have to look at their diaper to see if it's changed color to know they're wet (or worse, those freaky cooling ones). I made Michael a stack of cloth trainers with PUL outers so they are relatively waterproof (I highly recommend the Tinkle Time Trainer pattern if you are interested in making your own). We put him in these when we are going out. I also made him some trainers that aren't water proof and he wears these around the house. We did run into a problem of his thighs chafing with the trainers (I suspect a wet trainer left on too long may have been to blame). So we decided to go ahead and put him in undies for awhile while the chafing healed. Undies are great because there is no doubt when he has an accident in those. I think letting him have full-on wetting accidents in undies definitely provides motivation, but this is where my husband got frustrated. I can't blame him, no one likes cleaning accidents all the time. I went ahead and got him some Dappi pull-on covers. They are cheap and effective. But the chafing has healed so I let Michael choose what he wears most of the time. It seems that the cloth diaper companies have finally figured out that there is a market for good cloth trainers, so there are a lot of options out there right now.

Kalencom 2-in-1 Potette Plus- This travel potty is AWESOME. Buy it.

Peeing standing up- This is one of the perks of having a boy. Sometimes he doesn't want to sit on the potty and I compromise by asking him if he want's to try to pee standing up. I hold the little bowl up to him to avoid messes and it works pretty well. This also works well in public restrooms if we don't want to bother with the potty seat. I just stand him on the toilet seat and aim for him (and clean up what doesn't make it in). It's nice not having to drag out the potty for every pee in public.

Bribes- Ok, I'm usually against incentivising good behavior, but it has it's time and place. We used stickers as rewards for using the potty for a week or two to help get us over the hump. It seems to have helped. Michael is still young enough he doesn't know how to take advantage of incentives yet. When they seemed to stop working I just stopped offering. If he asks for one I give it, but I don't really use them anymore. In a perfect world, no parent would ever have to bribe their child. I don't live in a perfect world.

Books- Both reading books about using the potty and having a book to read by the potty. I get a book about using the potty every now and then from the library. Learning from different sources is good. We also keep some books that Michael find's really interesting by the potty. Michael loves to look at the pictures them and he will sit long enough to do his business. On the other hand, I hate having a book in the bathroom because he will go in there for a quick pee and pick it up and not want to leave for a half hour (and I've got better things to do quite honestly). So I tend to tuck the books out of sight and just give them to him after meals.

Cloth wipes- I still love our cloth wipes. One of the disadvantages of having a little boy is that pee tends to make it out of the potty (the shield on the Baby Bjorn potties sucks, IMO) so we wipe up messes with wipes rather than wasting TP. We also use them to dab off that last drop of pee (if needed). Keeping them in the bathroom is nice because I can just turn on the water at the sink and wet one up if I need to. And I'm washing the trainer's anyhow, so it's nothing to add a couple of wipes to the load.

Mummy's reviews recently posted some tips for potty training that I think are pretty good if you want to read on.

We've had a couple complications from potty training. The first, chafing, was mentioned above. The other is Michael's poor hands drying out terribly from all the hand washing we were making him do. Although it would be lovely to make him wash after every visit to the potty I only make him do it after pooping or if he's touched something particularly offensive. His skin just can't take it and it's almost mean to make him do it so much (even with very moisturizing hand soap). When you have a toddler you just have to get over the fact that things won't seem as clean as they used too.

Here are some pictures of our potty setup. I could have gotten by without the shelf and just put everything in the vanity, but I kinda like keeping everything out for Michael to see so that it's more accessible to him.

I've had this little black shelf since my college days (it's a closet organizer shelf) and it works well in this small space. The wipes are ontop in the same box that we kept them in on the changing table. Water proof trainers and dappis on the next shelf. Undies and non waterproof trainers below that. A box with spare wet bags on the bottom. And his books where I can tuck them out of site.

It's actually very convenient to hang the wet bag off the linen closet door knob. I can sit on the stool in front of the sink and reach everything from there and just drop soiled items in as needed.

Do you use Enfamil?

2012-01-18T21:29:00.001-06:00

**Updated - The coupons have found a home.

There were some great Enfamil coupons the other day on Coupons.com and I printed them because I thought my SIL was using it on my niece. Turns out she switched to something else. So I have $60 worth of Enfamil coupons printed and no one to give them to (4-$10 off per 22oz tub and 4-$5 off per 22oz tub, they all expire 2/9 so they need to be used quickly).

So, if you are needing some help with your formula costs and could use these, please email me at amandawithpcos@gmail.com and I'll mail them to you. First come first serve.

I believe that coupons.com has reset the coupon, so if you need this hurry and print while you can (you can usually print each coupon twice per IP address, FYI). These will go quick.

By popular demand

2012-01-18T14:56:00.000-06:00

I have been getting a lot of emails requesting info about PCOS and metformin. So by popular demand, I have finally gotten around to making a page for some of that info. So please check out my Metformin page by clicking here or the link on the right side of the page.

Thanks
Management

What's going on?

2012-01-16T14:00:00.000-06:00

There's a lot going on here and I'm not going to try to pull a fancy, cohesive post out right now, so bullets it is!

- We are getting ready for Michael's 2nd birthday party. The invites have been sent and we are waiting to hear who all is coming. We sent them out to the same people as last year, but fewer will attend (understandably). I'm really hoping that the crowd is small enough that we don't have to use the garage. Cleaning out the garage in winter is a pain.

- People are asking what to get him for his birthday and I don't have a clue. Clothes? Books? We just had Christmas, so I feel like the kid is pretty fully stocked on new things to play with. And the grandparents are asking and I think they'd like to get him a bigger gift and I really don't know what to say for that. Ideas?

- Potty training is hit or miss a lot of the time. He started initiating his own trips to the potty yesterday, just hours after my extremely discouraged husband tried to convince me that he wasn't "getting it". He is getting it. It's a learning process and accidents happen. Have a little faith in the kid. Maybe it's us, not him. My husband frustrates me sometimes.

- I'm very reluctant to talk about it for some irrational fear of jinxing myself, but we would like to start TTC again in about a year... which is seeming too damn close. The time frame has me a little on edge because I have to lose weight before I get pregnant again. HAVE TO. I cannot go through another pregnancy starting out this fat. I will be miserable and it will be unhealthy for the both of us. So I'm trying to get my calories under control and spend time working out. I'm glad I'm doing it but I wonder if I finally start feeling skinny and fit, will I really want to be prego again? I had just lost a bunch of weight last time and it kinda sucks that I didn't really get to enjoy my new body any, I just grew a big old pregnancy belly (and then some). I really just want to be fit and healthy for awhile and worry about maintaining it instead of watching all my progress give way to the baby. Selfish? I don't know... we'll see when I get there.

I'm just proud of myself for posting anything at this point.

Well, at least that explains that

2012-01-12T11:03:00.001-06:00

I've been sitting over here mulling posts... writing and discarding posts. Dragging my feet. But on top of my blogger's block I've been really dizzy/light headed for the last 2 days. It didn't concern me terribly at first. I'd worked out for the first time in a long time the day before and I thought my body was just reminding me how neglectful I've been for the last year.

But it continues today and it's bad. I wouldn't get behind the wheel like this. It's starting to concern me.

Then I was snippy with Michael again, for like the third time today. Which reminds me that I was super frustrated with him yesterday too.

Then it finally hits me. I haven't been taking my fucking zoloft.

Not on purpose or anything. I restocked my handy pill dispenser the other day and forgot my zoloft, apparently.

As soon as I realized this I ran over and swallowed one. Didn't even bother to get some water to wash it down with.

I know I get dizzy when I miss pills, but I was doing a great job of taking all my pills lately so I dismissed that as being part of the problem. I just didn't realize that my zoloft wasn't in the dispenser. Oy.

At least that explains that.

The dizzies are getting a little better already but I'm definitely taking a nap this afternoon.

Content another day.

Withdrawal sucks.

Not a great way to start a new year

2012-01-03T13:58:00.000-06:00

Things are fine over here... except I stubbed the hell out of one of my toes yesterday. I stubbed it so hard that it sent shooting pain all the way up my leg. It has since turned purple. I wasn't able to put any weight on it at all yesterday so I was walking, awkwardly, on the side of that foot the rest of the day.

I haven't bothered to get it looked at. I figure even if it is broken they probably can't do anything for it other than 'buddy-tape' it. If the medicine of stubbed toes has greatly improved and something helpful could actually come out of getting it looked at, someone let me know, but otherwise I'm just going to be mad at myself for being so clumsy for the next couple of weeks.

Then I woke up this morning with terrible pain in my core muscles... the kind of pain that gives you the chills and makes you want to curl up in the fetal position, except even that doesn't actually help. I think this is from walking on the side of my foot yesterday. It just threw me off so badly that my muscles are sore today in a very unpleasant way.

The good news is that wearing shoes helps my toe quite a bit and my muscle pain has gotten a little better as I've forced myself to move around.

Ok, enough of my bitching. Life if pretty good, except when I'm not paying attention to where I'm walking.

Knuffle Bunny!

2011-12-26T18:52:00.000-06:00

I was really looking forward to Christmas this year. First, we got to be at our home this year (yay!) and second, Michael is at that magical, wonderful age where he's pretty awesome and I figured that he wouldn't disappoint. And he did not.

We left "Santa's" gifts unwrapped under the tree. After Michael got up and went potty (!) he came into the living room and saw them and his face lit up! He literally squealed when he saw what was under the tree. His delight might be my favorite parenting moment so far.

It is better to give. Particularly if you are giving a truck to a little boy that loves trucks.

I was also really looking forward to Christmas morning because I made him his very own Knuffle Bunny and I was hoping that he would love it (that kind of thing makes me happy). The Knuffle Bunny books (here, here, and here) are fantastic. If you've got a little one, I highly recommend checking them out (and anything else from Mo Willems)and if you are only TTC, I recommend putting them on your list of things to get when you finally bring baby home someday. And if you don't feel like sewing a Knuffle Bunny, you can buy one too (but where's the fun in that?).

I love Knuffle Bunny's eyes. It looks like he's seen something he can't unsee. Perhaps it was me pulling his head out through his ass? His nose is a little rumpled and one of his legs is a tad long, but otherwise, I'm pretty happy.

Showing off the backside. Much better than the bunny I made in home-ec in 8th grade.

I felt like a procrastinator as I finished stitching up his backside on Christmas Eve, but I put A LOT of time into that rabbit. I have half a dozen practice bunny heads and a full practice rabbit littering my sewing table. After numerous fails, I gave up making my own pattern and after much searching I found this pattern online and adapted it to look more like Knuffle Bunny. I interpret Knuffle Bunny a little differently than the manufactured one, FYI (and I think more accurately). He turned out rather large, so I'd recommend if you try this pattern, shrinking it to 75% or even 50%. I sewed it out of "microplush" (it's plush on both sides and a lot of blankets are made out of this stuff these days) which makes him very soft, but microplush is the devil to work with. I recommend either getting some practice in with this material, or find a better material to work with. He didn't turn out perfect, but I'm still proud of him and Michael loved it.

Hugging his bunny.

All worth it.

My Anniversary/Christmas/Birthday Present

2011-12-21T08:22:00.001-06:00

A couple of weeks ago I got a new sewing machine.

No, I don't bother to clean up my sewing table when I take pictures for the world to see.

I've wanted a new sewing machine for awhile, but if you've never looked into high-end sewing machines, just let me tell you, they are expensive. So this effectively covers my anniversary and Christmas and birthday gifts this year.

I was not loving my old machine, but I was resigned to keep it for a couple more years because I just didn't feel that I could justify spending the moolah on a new machine. But a couple of weeks ago I noticed some very bad signs of wear on my machine. Basically my walking foot was eating through the metal clamp that holds the needle in place. This is very bad. It's the kind of problem where every single stitch I was taking was rushing my machine closer and closer to a big problem of that clamp breaking and causing serious damage. I imagine that the part could be replaced... or I could stop sewing with my walking foot, but really my walking foot was what had made sewing on my machine enjoyable and I didn't really want to put anymore money into my machine.

So we decided that it was better to just spend the money on the machine I really wanted since it was going to be expensive to get a nice machine no matter what... so might as well get the one that is nice and makes me happy. After visiting several dealerships and reading hundreds of reviews, I bought a Pfaff Quilt Expression 4.0.

And it does make me happy. I won't go into how much of an improvement it is over my old machine (a Singer Confidence) because it's hard to describe it all and to a non-sewist it wouldn't make a lot of sense, but it has made sewing much more of a pleasure (and less of a chore). But I will list some really nice features of the machine for those that are interested:

-Needle up/down. I've wanted this for a long time. I'll never have another machine without it.
-Auto presser foot lift. I can set the machine to stop with the needle down and the foot lifts to allow me to pivot the fabric. This is especially nice because I never have to take my hands off my work. I'll never be able to live without this again.
-Auto tack on/off. This is nice because the machine does it neatly and I don't forget these steps anymore making my work sturdier.
-Thread cutter. There is a built-in automatic thread cutter that I have programmed to cut my threads after it tacks off. This is very nice because it saves me a step and keeps my work neater because with fewer long threads on my projects and work surfaces. I didn't think much of this feature when I bought it, but I'm a big fan after using it for awhile.
-IDT, this is basically a built in walking foot. THIS FEATURE MAKES THE PFAFF MACHINES AWESOME. I think Janome offers this too, but when spending more than a grand on a machine, I can't imagine buying one without this. It's a very good feed system and makes a HUGE difference. I don't care how fancy the machine is, almost all of my sewing benefits from a dual feed system and I have found the integrated dual feed to have a lot of advantaged over an add-on walking foot (and not to mention, my add-on walking foot was destroying my machine and forcing me to buy a new machine in the first place). The Pfaff IDT can be used with most of the interchangeable presser feet, which is just the best thing since sliced bread or can be disengaged and not used at all.
-Low bobbin indicator. This was not a feature that I would pay more money for, but it is kinda handy. If you are sewing a lot and plan ahead you can have several bobbins wound with your thread and when the low bobbin warning pops up you just drop the new bobbin in while your project is still under the needle. That is a convenient feature.

The machine also has some nice stitches built in and a memory function to remember your stitches if you want (this is important to me). The stitches it produces are good looking and make a fine finished product which is probably the most important thing about the machine.

I really worried about buying this machine since the reviews are not all favorable... in fact there are a lot of people that have been very disappointed with this machine. The machine has had several factory fixes, which I imagine have made a big difference. Also, this machine is marketed towards quilters (and pretty much all the reviews on the internet are from quilters). I am not a quilter. I do everything but quilts... craft, garments, drapery, and some upholestry. I sew some strange materials: microplush (this stuff is the devil to sew), felt, fleece, burlap, pleather, silk, home dec weight fabrics, diaper fabrics, elastic, knits, faux fur... very little quilting cotton. I have found this machine to meet my needs very well. The IDT is great for the fabrics with stretch.

I also bought my machine from a very good dealer. I drove a distance to get it from a very respected dealer. He took the time to really explain the mechanisms to me and make sure that I understood how they worked so that I could troubleshoot my own problems. This is essential because most of the problems people have had with this machine are user error. This is not a hard to use or difficult machine, but if you don't understand certain things about it, you could have more problems. I would not recommend buying one of these used or off the internet because you may not get the latest machine with the factory fixes or not have a warranty.

At the end of the day, this machine was actually less money that I was worried that I would spend and my projects are definitely better with it. I'm very happy so far. I just had to share my new toy.

Some photos. . .

Beautiful stitches. That tack off is perfect.

The mock serger stitches are beautiful. I don't have a serger, so I really appreciate this.

Neatly trimmed threads make life much nicer.

My Rudolph bag. I love it. I made everything myself. I have the control with this machine to do a detailed applique like this without wanting to throw something out the window when I'm done now. You can't see it but I stitched the tiniest circle to put Rudolph's nose on and it's perfect. I could never have done that with my old machine.

Snowflake bag. The machine did not like the metallic thread I used to put the big flake on, but it did a great job anyways.

Michael's new robe or a ruthless leader ruling from his throne/booster seat? You decide.

A whole stack of training pants. Finishing these on my old machine might have killed me. We are currently potty learning/training. More on this another time.

I finally finished the blanket to match my niece's curtains. This blanket went through THREE ruffler foots. *Rips out hair* But it's finally done.

The best part of getting anything new... the box.

Cooking with Michael

2011-12-11T07:54:00.001-06:00

I'm totally inspired with how some parents have made their homes 'kid friendly'. One of the bloggers that has inspired me the most is Meg at Sew Liberated. Meg is a former Montesssori teacher and has done an excellent job of making a toddler friendly home. Check out the video of her kid picking up his play dough (that video will knock your socks off, my husband and I just sat in awe as we watched it, and he's only 20 months in this video) and the watering station in her kitchen too. Wow. Her blog is seriously inspiring (not to mention her sewing projects).

I've been dabbling in Montessori and my opinion is overall positive, but I'm a little mixed on some aspects of it. I think bringing the child into the kitchen and teaching them practical skills like making their own snacks or washing dishes is good, but I'm not interested in making Michael sit in a weaning chair at his own table for his meals. I've always thought eating meals as a family was important. And some literature I've read gives examples of very young children being taught skills that just seems a little daunting and not well suited for our family. (Can you teach a one year old to peel a carrot? Yes. But it seems to be a bit much for a child that doesn't even have fully myelinated nerves. Maybe I just don't understand Montessori.*)

But we have tried to give Michael some of his own space in the kitchen and involve him more and more in meal preparation.

I love our house. I think we have a great floor plan, but our kitchen is small. Actually, it's a very big kitchen in a small space. It works.

This is my kitchen as is tonight. We haven't even cleaned up after a quick dinner. Notice the spray pain can on the counter top? (Yeah I need to take that downstairs). Like our wine bottle collection? Collecting has pretty much been at a dead stop since I got pregnant.

I'm kinda mixed on childproofing. I think it's important, but it can be over done. We have simple finger locks under the sink and on one cabinet that the dishes are stored in (I hate dealing with locks myself). Michael has free access to all of the other cabinets. It's a pain at times, but it has gotten easier.

We have a "baited" cabinet that has a bunch of stuff we don't use often and we let him tear through it if he wishes (and he has to put back what he gets out).

It's a general rule that anything is this cabinet should be washed before using with food. The lazy susan is probably the biggest attraction itself.

He also loves the bottom of the pantry. He'll pull out the cereal boxes and play with them or play with the paper towels.

I do keep a pretty good eye on him when he's in here because of the blades on the foil and saran wrap boxes. It handy to have a 'sacrificial' package of paper towels.

He used to get into the cabinet that had the pots and pans in it. We used to think it was cute. Were're not so enthusiastic about that one now, so we've gotten onto him enough to leave that one alone that he mostly does.

He also has a little drawer where we keep his trays and silverware. We have him get his silverware at most meals. When I'm unloading the dishwasher I let him put his things up. (And it keeps him from messing with the other stuff in the dishwasher.)

I wish I could fit his cups in here too. Just a couple of bibs shoved in the back.

When I'm making meals (mostly lunch time) Michael will push a chair in from the dining table up to the counter next to the stove, climb up on it and watch me cook**. He tries to grab a lot, so it's a chore, but I'm hoping that it's worth the trouble. Most of the time he watches, sometimes I have little tasks he can try like buttering toast or stirring. When I make pizza dough I will give him a little piece to play with. He would love it if I would let him have an egg to crack, but that ain't happening anytime soon. And when he's not listening to me, I tell him to go to the living room and play with his tractors and he's pretty accepting of that request, at least for a few minutes.

Michael loves to try to sweep and dust mop. I've asked the grandmas for little brooms and dustpans. I'm going to hang them on low hooks in the broom closet off the kitchen where he can grab them. We are also trying to collect some child size cooking utensils. I'd love to have one of these, but no way do we have the room.

I'm always a bit challenged by what I should be trying to get him to do and what's appropriate for his age. When I think about this for too long, I get stressed out and my anxiety creeps back up. "The one year old in that book could peel carrots and my kid is almost two and can't even eat a carrot!" But I try to remind myself to just let it be and go at our own pace (thank you CBT). I'm pretty sure that we are moving in the right direction and I just try not to worry about it too much. But it sure is fun to think up ideas and fantasize about my dream kitchen.

*It seems like anytime anyone criticizes Montessori the reply back is that they "don't understand Montessori". I have seen this excuse so many times and it comes out so smugly so often that it makes me dislike Montessori altogether... but I know not every parent and teacher that does Montessori is so drunk off the kool-aide that they have forgotten that there are other perfectly good ways to educate your child and you don't have to adhere to Montessori 100% of the time for it to be effective.

**And he has totally fallen off the chair, but if he didn't fall off he'd never learn to not fall off.

Christmas Prep

2011-12-01T22:15:00.001-06:00

It's the first of December and we have a tree up. I'd don't think I've ever had a tree up this early. But I wanted to get it up to put Michael's Advent books under it to give them more context since dates and calendars are still beyond him.

We went and cut down our tree yesterday. It was nearly sunset. They sent us to the field right next to the house, which was a little disappointing, but was also good because I wasn't sure how we were going to ride on the trailer to the field.

Who will be the lucky tree?

This tidy 7 foot-er will do.

Yesterday night I set about preparing the Advent books. We decided that we will buy him one new book every year (so theoretically he will be getting a new book every year until he's 25). I went to the book store earlier in the day (actually a couple of them) to look for the perfect book. I chose Snowmen At Night since it's very cute, the pictures are wonderful and Michael seems to like snowmen a lot. I wrote a little note in it for Michael. I plan on it being the book he opens on Christmas day.

Then I gathered the other books. I do not have a spectacular collection to show off, but eventually we'll get there. Between the new book, books Michael already had, my childhood books, my husband's childhood books, and some PSR books from an aunt, we just barely scrapped together 25 books.

This book was from my 2nd grade teacher. She wrote a little inscription in it to me. It's definitely one of my favorite books because of that.

Other books I've been holding on to.

Books from DH's childhood. Some of these are really old.

"Reason for the season" books.

Michael's favorite book. He got this one last year for Christmas and LOVES it. I've probably read it to him 200 times already, but I'm sure he'll still be excited when he pulls the wrapping paper off.

Some other books we had. The Snowtime Tales book is beautiful, but it has three stories in it, so that will take awhile to read when we get to it. And I've got 'The Night Before Christmas' set to unwrap on the night before Christmas.

Some board books. I have a feeling that Dora book will be a hit.

It took a long time to decide on the order and and wrap all those books. And I'm going to do this every year? Oy, what have I gotten myself into?

Tonight we decorated the tree. Michael played with ornaments while DH and I worked. Michael tried to shake the tree and was rough with the ornaments a couple of times which required trips to the naughty chair. I know we were being harsh on him, but we want it to be very clear that the Christmas tree is not to be played with. If he wants to see an ornament he has to ask us to give it to him. I think a little more work upfront to enforce the rules will make for a happier experience for everyone.

Ambrosia guarding the tree.

Some favorite ornaments.

See Mom, I'm just touching the tree. I'm not doing anything naughty.

Then we opened the first Advent book, the carefully selected The Perfect Tree, a simple board book about a family selecting and decorating a tree.

Wrapped and numbered.

Excellent practice for opening Christmas presents.

And here are some pics of Bliss, just because I thought they were funny.

Evil Bliss.

Innocent Bliss.

Reflecting on hard times, thankful for the good ones

2011-11-29T23:56:00.000-06:00

We are back from Thanksgiving. It was a far better visit than last time. The schedule was respected. Michael did get a little spoiled and that probably hasn't helped his behavior problems, but it was a trade off. Getting a break from constantly watching your kid is something to be thankful for. I can deal with the spoiling later.

During the visit I got to have a few conversations with relatives about Michael. I've been thinking about how much Michael has changed over time... it's like I have a completely different child these days... in a good way.

Michael really was a difficult baby. I'm always thankful that Michael has been healthy (as in not seriously sick) so I hate sounding gripey about him being a difficult baby, but he was. Oh, my, he really, really was. I seriously wouldn't wish a child as difficult as Michael on my worst enemy. I ~~feel like I~~ barely survived that first year. When I think back on his first month and how I didn't sleep for the entire month (yeah, really) it makes me cry just to think of it. I don't ever think I will forget that kind of tired. (People tell you that 'you don't know what tired is until you have a kid' are right.)

I've decided from that experience that I didn't let others help me enough. This is partially my fault. I am a glutton for punishment. But I really wish someone else (like my husband) would have stepped in and said, "You're exhausted. You need help. I'm getting you some." Because at some point in there I was too tired to help myself and I needed someone to do it for me.

And another huge component of the difficulties with Michael was breastfeeding. I love breastfeeding him, but I think I can say that breastfeeding Michael has been the hardest job I have ever had, and I've had some very hard, demanding, shitty, stressful, painful jobs. That said, I have done my job EXTREMELY WELL. I did that job at the expense of many other parts of my life. I still haven't decided if I regret that or not. Was it worth it to achieve success in exclusively breastfeeding my kid to run myself so ragged for so long? I think the answer is yes and no. Breastfeeding him was worth it but I needed to cut myself a break somewhere else sooner and take more off my plate (I'm such a glutton for punishment).

I think it's common to think while your are TTCing that your desire for a child will smooth out the difficulties you face when the child comes along, but it doesn't. It just lops an extra serving of guilt on when you are already feeling down.

But these factors and others together really left me bitter and resentful of Michael in a way. I definitely had a grudge against my child. I didn't hate him, but I just was so worn out that I didn't enjoy him and I was constantly fearful of loosing what ever foothold I had in my life. I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and send me back to the bottom again. That first year was very difficult.

Then the second year. This year has been a year of transition. Working mom to SAHM. Infant to toddler. Trying to make an emotional recovery from my former job which is inextricably tied to Michael's first year of life.

Somewhere along this year Michael went from being a child I wouldn't wish on my enemy to the most wonderful toddler ever.

It took a long time. I had to make myself realize that the past was over and that I wasn't facing the same challenges I did that first year. I had to learn to stop holding that grudge against Michael for all the sleepless nights, and burning nipples, and muscle pain, and missed work, and etc. I had to learn to trust that it does get better (because I didn't believe that it got better for a long time... I believed it got different, not better).

And I got some help via therapy and drugs. I always wonder how much of the way I feel today has to do with zoloft... I think it's still doing a lot of work for me, but lately, more and more, I think I'm truly getting healthier as well.

And I got better at this parenting thing. Parenting is hard. Doing it well takes a lot of work. I wish I did it better still.

And lately when I've been around other peoples kids, or had conversations with other parents I've had to comment on what a change Michael's made from last year to this year. And I just find myself thankful and proud of my little guy. He's just a great little toddler. Sure, he misbehaves. He hits and kicks and makes messes. But he's exactly how he should be. He's happy and good and cute as a button. During that first year, he wasn't happy. He was angry. mad. pissed off. He wanted (a lot) more of me than I could give and it made me angry, mad, pissed off. Today we are on the same page and it's made such a huge difference. It makes me sad to think about that first year because it should have been so much better than it was. I think I find myself wanting another child just to try to redo that first year. I'm adamantly determined that things will be different if we have another child. It will still be hard, but it's going to be better.

So today I got part of the pay off that I've been waiting for. I was putting things up in Michael's room and he came in, running at me, acting like he was going to attack me, and he comes up and wraps his arms around me as I brace for impact. I asked him what he wanted, but to my surprise he said back, "Love you," finished hugging me and went to play with a stuffed animal. Perfect.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T20:06:00.001-06:00

Safe travels and good times.

---

And I just had to share a great idea I saw. If you have a little one and are wanting to do an Advent calendar, MADE posted a great idea that she's doing with her kids to wrap up 25 Christmas books and open one each day. I don't have a great collection of Christmas books, but I gathered all our up and Grandma gave me a stack and I think I almost have 25 together. I think it would make a great tradition for us and maybe we can add a new book or two in there every year. And Michael LOVES books and reading, so this is really perfect for him/us.

---

I might go shopping tomorrow... heaven help me.

PAT

2011-11-16T19:25:00.001-06:00

Michael, a very studious child, brushing up on the history of tractors.

We had our first Parents As Teachers visit today.

I feel bad that I didn't sign us up from the start, but with the slashing of the PAT budget, our high incomes, and (what we thought to be a good) daycare, we decided it probably wasn't worth our time. My therapist really encouraged me to sign up, so I finally got the form in awhile ago and we've been waiting.

The assumptions I made were wrong. Apparently your income level doesn't matter. I know that you can qualify for extra visits for certain reasons, but our PAT instructor said that she has to do so many visits per month and that she has more availability during the day, so usually those parents get more visits just for that reason. In fact we have another visit set up for a month from now.

And signing up took all of 10 minutes, the visits are in home... so even if I don't feel like the program is doing that much for us, I'd still say it's worth the small amount of time and effort to sign up.

So our visit wasn't anything too exceptional today. She spent a lot of time talking about the program and some of the introductory stuff. I wouldn't say I got too many great ideas from it, but Michael loves visitors and turned on the charm, so it was fun to see him interacting with her.

One thing we talked about was behavioral problems. Michael is definitely getting into the "terrible twos". He is hitting and kicking quite a bit lately (and consequently visiting the naughty chair just as often). I don't feel it's out of control or anything, but it does really bother me when he hits/kicks the cats (which happens a lot). She gave a pretty reasonable explanation for it... The cats are smaller than him and it's something that he can have power over and it's kind of bullying. I think she might be right. I don't want to say that my one year old is a bully, but he's definitely experimenting with expressing himself. And he loves the kitties most of the time (and they love him even more) so I'm not worried, but that was kinda helpful.

Our PAT center also has "Stop in and Play" during the day which is appealing and might give us another activity for the cold, winter days ahead.

Next week we will go and have his screening done. This interests me and I'm curious to see what is involved there.

The only one that did not enjoy the visit was Bliss. She tried to rub up against the instructors leg, but the instructor was allergic, so I had to take her away. Poor Bliss, I don't think that cat has ever been rejected in her whole life. Don't worry Bliss, you're still cute, I'm sure she wanted to pick you up and squeeze you just like me.

No one can resist the Bliss.

No desire to post

2011-11-11T18:25:00.001-06:00

I don't know exactly what my issue is, but I have pretty much no desire to post lately. But I'm still here, still ticking along... slowly. I've been super tired lately... I don't know if it was the time change or my widening ass, but my ideal day would be spent in bed with the cats right now.

And, I'm just going to throw this out there, but I think almost everyone is pregnant right now. Not that that's a bad thing, but wow! The number of surprise BFPs lately is amazing. I'm so happy for the girls that have been blessed lately, and say a hopeful prayer for those that are still waiting.

And although I maintain that I'm not interested in having another baby right now, I have wondered if I'm being honest with myself. However, I was enjoying some freetime during Michael's nap and realizing that if I had another baby I would not be spending that time selfishly enjoying myself, so yeah, one is good for now.

But I am hoping to bring home a new bundle of joy next week. One that has an automatic presser foot lift and 9mm wide decorative stitches.

And just FYI, this post is being composed in a dry monotone in my head that demonstrates that lack of enthusiasm for anything in my life right now.

Halloween

2011-11-02T15:34:00.001-05:00

Halloween '11 Recap

Michael went as Max from Where the Wild Things Are.

Let the wild rumpus start!

I was so excited when I saw pictures on Running With Scissors of Jessica's little boy in a Max costume. I knew I wanted to make Michael one for Halloween but didn't really want to figure how to make it. Then, like she was reading my mind, Jessica made a very affordable pattern and problem solved. I think it turned out really well. The problem was that almost no one knew what he was. A lot of people thought he was a bunny (really?) and some thought a kitty or fox (that's a little better). It is a very famous children's book that's been around for quite a while and was recently made into a movie so I was hoping the recognition would be a little higher. I was extremely disappointed in my neighbor that teaches 1st grade missing it. About half way through the night I realized that it was just easier to tell everyone what he was upfront rather than leave them guessing with that puzzled look. I guess that's the price I pay for not just dressing him up as a pumpkin or Thomas the Train.

I took this pic of him the other day messing with the stuff on my dresser. I think he looks kinda like a little squirrel. A naughty little squirrel.

He really got into it this year. We tried to get him to say "Trick or Treat" but he'd only give us the "Trick or" part. But he did a really good job saying it until about half way through the the night and then it just became about the candy. As soon as someone came to the door, he couldn't take his eyes off the candy and if they dropped it in the bag without him seeing, he wanted more just to be sure he wasn't being jipped. He was very good about saying thank you at every house, but he stopped and saying it and started signing it by the end of the night.

Give me some candy!

He got a little freaked out by the end of the night and was afraid to take candy from a couple of teenagers with scary masks. But mostly, he just had a blast going to all the houses. We did the "trunk or treat" at my church then did 80% of the neighborhood and he was excited and happy through all of it. (Well, all of it except when we made him get out of the fire truck. He could have spent the whole night behind the well of that thing pretending to drive.

Ok, never mind about the candy, just let me play with this cool truck all night. You can pry me out of here when I fall asleep.

He got a huge haul. I deemed most of it inappropriate for him to eat.

Sweet! And kudos to the person that gave out pumpkins. Michael loves pumpkins.

Mom and Dad will see that the inappropriate candy is properly disposed.

We are trying to keep him in the dark about the wonders of candy a little longer (i.e., no chocolate yet).

Oh, and I made him his little candy bag as well. I totally forgot about needing one and used some of the leftover burlap from his birthday and the some craft felt that I had. My husband was disappointed that the bag was so small. I was a little perturbed by that. I reminded him that it was plenty big for ONE year old.

Free and fun.

He was confused last night when we put him to bed. He wanted to go out again and kept saying "Tick or". Nope, sorry kid, you have to wait a whole year.

I kinda hate that we have to wait a whole more year too.

Michael at 21 Months

2011-10-30T22:28:00.001-05:00

Supporting the home team!

I'm not too great at documenting all the wonderful stuff my kid does but if I actually documented everything, I'd be so busy that I'd miss a lot of it too... but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't up my effort a little.

Michael is such a great little boy these days. It has been hard, very hard to handle him through much of his life, but lately he's usually so delightful that some of the stress of the earlier days is finally being forgiven/forgotten.

He does a lot of cute stuff that cracks me up. He loves to read and would let us read books to him all day long. He'll sit down with a book and carefully look at the pictures by himself for long periods of time too until he finds something he just has to share and then he'll drag the book over to me shouting about what ever he see in the picture.

He is interested in the different parts of things. He is constantly pointing out parts of a tractor or body parts to us. He's been big on nipples lately, or "nimmels" as he sometimes says. He became a little obsessed for awhile and would stick his hand up his shirt trying to find his nipples and crying out in frustration (I'm guessing because he can't find nipples like the bigguns that mama has).

He loves anything with a wheel on it. Classic boy.

This should have been one of the greatest moments of his life. He loves skid steers (he can even say 'skid steer') and is always begging us to let him up in one. Then he finally gets in one and is totally unimpressed because there's no wheel.

That's better.

He loves to make animal sounds. He made cookies with me the other day and had the an arm and leg left from a 'gingerbread' man sugar cookie (I only have Christmas cookie cutters) and was dancing it along the coffee table yelling "Horsey! Neigh!". Dang that was cute.

'Horsey! Neigh!' The cookies were yummy, but I want to eat this little boy up!

He such a loving little boy. He loves hugs and asks for them frequently. He's trying to kiss us lately but hasn't really figured it out and just presses his face hard up against ours. When he really enjoys something he will say "Happy" in a whispery voice. I wasn't exactly sure I was hearing him right because I was hugging him one time and I thought I heard him say "Happy". I thought that was a little too cute but then he did it a few more times and I knew I was right. It's pretty darn awesome to hug your child and hear him say "Happy." It melts my heart. He'll repeat "Love you" but hasn't said "I love you" yet.

We've started in on a lot of Montessori stuff at home, and I don't really want to write a post on it now, but it's helping a lot. We are emphasizing picking up after himself and respecting his things and it took a couple of weeks but he's definitely picking up on it and making changes. He puts things away without being asked. I think it's lowered the stress level for both of us. He's very good at following directions so I can ask him to get a rag and clean up a spill he makes or throw something in the trash and he listens. Now if I can just get him to stop pulling the cats' tails, we'll be great shape.

President of the sandbox today, the free world tomorrow!

I sometimes wonder if he has Tourette's Syndrome. When he gets excited (which is nearly all the time) he'll just start shouting words and sounds. Sometimes there is a theme to them (Dark! Moon! Howl! Outside! Dark!) but it's not always clear. It's kinda weird, I've never really seen any other kids do something like it... perhaps he'll get some verbs in there and it will make more sense. I was changing his diaper the other day and he was yelling "Penis! Hole!" (cause we've taught him that pee comes out of the hole in his penis). I thought it was pretty funny. I'm going to stop calling people assholes and start calling them penis-holes. I think penis has definitely surpassed ass in funniness, don't you?

Zooming!

I can't believe this kid is going to be 2 in a couple of months.

Judgement

2011-10-22T21:23:00.001-05:00

DH has a cousin that is in her mid-thirties and has been trying to conceive for a little while. I have tried not to butt in and say too much since I'm a little worried that I would end up overwhelming her and she has a very different personality than me. Apparently someone people don't like talking about their sex lives with the whole world. The one thing I have stepped in and told her is to not wait to see an RE. If you've been trying for 6 months (for over 35), make the appointment! Some offices have waiting lists and time is the enemy.

But mostly I don't ask about the baby making efforts... but I'm always eagerly listening in case there is an opportunity in there to offer any help.

So we were "camping" (can you call it camping when you're staying in a air conditioned and heated cabin with satellite TV?) with DH's family last weekend and the cousin's husband had to leave early because he had been long suffering with a sinus infection. I was talking to the cousin and ended up gushing about my love affair with flaxseed and how it has helped my allergies and eye fatigue and just made me a better person all around (ok, maybe not the last one). But then I let it slip, "And it lengthens your luteal phase. You do know what your luteal phase is, don't you?" Turns out she didn't. I immediately made judgement about her right there. How can you have been trying to get pregnant for the last year and still not know what a luteal phase is?

But I do try to remember, not everyone attacks IF like I did. Not everyone tries to educate themselves the way I think they should. Some people trust their physicians to know the tight thing to do. Some people don't their free time staring at calendars studying their fertility signs and planning what days to have sex and which days to go to the clinic and when to test to see if the trigger is out of their system and how many months it will take to save enough money for IVF. Some people try to live normal lives and not let this shit overtake them.

Then yesterday we were visting with BIL and SIL and we asked it the cousin was pregnant yet (cousin talks to SIL about this stuff). Apparently she is not and went through some preliminary testing a few weeks ago and supposedly everything is ok.

There are quite a few people in the family that don't care for the cousin's husband and don't particularly want them to have kids and SIL shares this opinion. It's important that you know that because SIL basically said something to the effect that she thinks 'they don't really have infertility, it's mental, and they shouldn't have kids anyhow, so maybe this is how it's supposed to be.'

Wow.

I have been kinda pissed with some stuff SIL has said about IF before and I completely resent anyone that suggests that the inability to conceive is due to a couple not loving each other enough or being right for each other. I do think that psychological issues can contribute to infertility, but for most couples with infertility, it is a very real, physical condition. End of story.

But I found myself a little conflicted the other day. Now that I know she's gone through testing, I kinda want to reach out to her more, especially since she'll probably be starting drugs soon (this from SIL too), and those kinda suck, but I was hesitant because of what SIL said the other day. Yeah, the cousin's husband is kinda weird. I wouldn't marry him, that's for sure, but that's not really so important is it? Honestly, I don't know that guy that well, and other than the fact that he's done some stuff in the past and smokes cigarettes, I don't know that he's that bad of a guy. I don't really know him at all.

So it occurred to me that it is far better to not sit around and judge whether a couple is worthy of having a child and just do the thing that I feel is right and reach out to her.

And as I thought about this I realize that I'm being somewhat hypocritical about this since I'm none too thrilled that her sister is having another child. And I do realize that it's wrong for me to judge her sister too, but that situation is a little different in that she already has 3 children (the monster children) and does a shitty job with them... I'd rather she focus on the kids she has.... Ok, I'll own that one, still a hypocrite.

So I'm emailing the cousin. I hope that she knows what she wants and it's my job to support her like a friend/family member rather then judge whether her having children is a good idea.

Sew for Boys - Little Heartbreaker Pants

2011-10-17T22:26:00.001-05:00

I was able to make the Little Heartbreaker Pants out of Sewing for Boys: 24 Projects to make a Handmade Wardrobe and I'm happy to report it went a lot better than the To-Go Artist.

The Little Heartbreaker Pants are the dressiest pants featured in the book. They have button hole elastic on the back allowing for changes in waist sizing. There are nice pockets built into it and a faux cuff sew on the legs.

I'm not terribly experienced in sewing pants. I've sewn quite a few pairs of very basic, simple pants that work well, but I'd been wanting to upgrade and add pockets and this seemed like a good pair of pants to try out.

I didn't see any errors in the patterns pieces or the instructions. Several of the illustrations are not entirely accurate... I think a lot of beginner/intermediate sewers will find this confusing at times. Of the written instructions, the only thing I found to be difficult to follow in them was how to complete the front waist band and facing, and unfortunately the picture isn't a help here either so I had to redo that part. And somehow the front (or was it the back?) legs ended up longer than the other side. I'm not sure if this was my fault when I traced the pattern or if the pattern actually is a little off. This really isn't a problem to just cut off and even up before sewing on the cuffs.

The fit on them is ok. The button hole elastic is nice, but I imagine that my son will outgrow the length before I need to adjust the waist. That cuffs on the pants prevent rolling the legs up or letting the out to get longer wear of the pants (well, you could work in some extra length and rip off and reattach the cuff, but that's a lot of work). They are very roomy and probably pretty comfortable. The rise fit over his cloth diapered butt, which is saying something. In a perfect world, I'd want just a little longer on the rise, but it was enough but Michael's diaper's fit a lot trimmer now that he's slimmed down and I'm not sure the rise would have been enough a couple of months ago (the pattern is made for 18m-6/7).

The pants sewed up well and made for high quality finished product. The pattern is very versatile. They are very relaxed pants that can look very casual or more dressy depending on the fabric choice. I can't wait to try them with denim. I think these could probably be modified as shorts and look good. They could be easily lined for colder weather, which would be helpful and I wish they would have included a lining pattern with it (not that it would be hard, but anything to make my life easier would be nice). I made Michael's out of corduroy, but even corduroy will need a little extra insulation when winter hits.

View of the pocket and cuffs. Wide legs.

Very comfortable.

Pretty shapeless in the back.

Then today I decided to make a shirt to match by upcycling a $2 shirt I got from Target that I accidentally ripped a hole in since Michael needed more long sleeves anyhow.

Bliss helped.

I can't believe that I got this shot. The point-and-shoot gods smiled upon me.

This project was the level that I expected of the book. I'm hoping that the to-go artist was just a poorly tested afterthought and not demonstrative of the other projects in the book but I'll have to try a few more just before I really can make that call.

One of the better aspects of the book is the variety of clothing pieces in it. You really could make an entire wardrobe from this book by choosing fabrics wisely and a little creativity. The clothes were designed to be comfortable for boys to play in comfortably and I think the authors accomplished that well. Many of the patterns were also designed to make use of scraps and old clothes, which is very commendable. Some of the reviews of the book bash it for having too many "ugly" clothes and I don't totally agree. There does seem to be a fit issue with most of the models, but the choice of fabric and consideration of whether certain projects are for play or for dressing up really makes a difference in the looks of the pieces here. For instance, the 'kicking back sweats' are not that attractive, but they are clearly meant to be play clothes so why spend a long time making fancier clothes that your kid is just going to get dirty?

The one piece I feel the book is missing is a nice button up shirt. There is one project called 'the henry shirt' be even with a dressier fabric it still seems too casual for dressier occasions.

One sticking complaint that I have with the book is the illustrations. Honestly, McCall's patterns have better illustrations, eek. This is full color printed book so they really could have done more to make the pictures easier to understand. And the lack of accuracy in the pictures is disappointing.

Coming soon, Michael's Halloween costume! I'm really looking forward to it!

Sewing for Boys - The To-Go Artist

2011-10-11T22:59:00.001-05:00

I have been all kinds of excited about a new sewing book that came out the other week called Sewing for Boys: 24 Projects to Create a Handmade Wardrobe.

If you have a boy, or have tried to buy an article of clothing for a little boy you may have noticed that there are 2-4 times as many racks of clothes for little girls compared to boys. When it comes to clothing patterns for boys, the discrepancy is magnified about 100 times. And since I've been sewing a lot of Michael's, I was really excited about this book.

The publishers did a really good job of promoting the book. They did a big blog tour and well known crafty bloggers showed off the book and did projects from the book and gave away copies of the book. I wanted to win a copy so bad (I didn't, just FYI).

So I ordered my copy of the book and got it last week. I got my sewing machine back today and set about making my first project from the book, the to-go artist. I wanted to make it because my nephew's birthday is coming up and I thought it would make a good gift. But then I was buying fabric for it the other day and saw some fabric that I loved and decided to make one for Michael too.

Anyhow, so I'd read the instructions the day before and all I could think is that they were a mess. I was pretty sure there were a lot of errors and extremely skeptical about some of the steps and figured if they weren't wrong, they were definitely done the hard way.

So I set about making it tonight, and unfortunately, I was right. I found AT LEAST 9 errors... maybe more if I wanted to be picky. I followed the instructions, mostly, just so I could prove to myself that things were incorrect and it wasn't my "fixing" of the instructions that messed things up worse or something like that, but on a couple of things I just couldn't go on without fixing them. But the good thing here is that I have everything figured out for when I sew my nephew's up.

The thing that really pisses me off is that it's obviously that the finished one in the book clearly didn't follow the instructions either. And this is a rather simple project, so there just shouldn't be these kinds of errors here.

One of the bloggers on the book tour even did this project, but she made several changes to the overall to-go artist. She didn't comment of the wonky instructions, so I don't know if she didn't notice, or was just being nice (like her changes a lot too). I did pick up from some of the other book tour bloggers that it was light on the instructions and illustrations... they tried to put it in nice terms, but now that I have the book, I feel like I reading between the lines of their reviews better.

I want to love this book, but I can't. I don't hate it, but it has issues that keep me from loving it. I read something on one of the book tour blogger's website in an interview with the authors that the book was completed very quickly and you can definitely tell it. I also wonder if they needed to use less experienced pattern testers... advanced sewers may have glanced through the instruction more quickly than novice sewers and not caught as much as those of us that need the instructions. But they have a flickr group and I can clearly see some of the mistakes in the one of the tester's photos, so go figure.

But I'm not done with the book! I'm still looking forward to making several other projects from the book. It's not perfect and there is a fair amount of deserved criticism about this book, but with a little determination I still think it's an ok book... and probably the best book for sewing boy's apparel out there.

So here is my to-go artist.

Closed up. Velcro tab. I just love this sail boat pattern!

Opened up. Nice idea. The paper pads fit very well.

Look y'all!!! I got my own tags made! I feel so special and fancy now.

I love the big pocket for stowing a coloring book or extra pad of paper.

See that gap to the left of the crayons and colored pencils? Yeah, if more care had been given to the instructions, that wouldn't be there. It will not be there next time I make it.

Cleaned out.

I was a little late on my crafty project for the week with the sewing machine in the shop. It still seems a bit off to me, so it might go back and in that case I probably won't make next week either.

Lovely Week

2011-10-09T22:16:00.001-05:00

So much for sticking to my new blogging schedule. But I'm not going to let that bother me, I've have a very good week otherwise.

First, the fall weather, spectacular. No complaints here. And the trees are looking so pretty this year (I guess that's the payoff for all the heat and drought).

After my sewing machine bit the dust and I decided to say "screw it" I was relieved to be completely unburdened from sewing projects for awhile. We've had a lot of fun this week overall.

Saturday we went to the little local airport's open house. Michael took a ride in the barrel 'airplane' train. DH and I held our breath as our baby disappeared from our sight, all alone. He did fine, the first time, the second time he was in a bad mood and we had to cut his flight short. There were lots of air planes to look at, of course, including a cool B-25 bomber.

In his airplane

He's so far away! You can barely even see him.

Ah, good, almost back to mom.

B-25

I'm sure these are just for show, but they still look pretty cool.

Sunday was the Fall Festival. We didn't stay for long, but Michael had some fun picking out some new pumpkins and then trying to eat the paint he was supposed to be painting them with.

Monday we ran errands and dropped my sewing machine at the repair shop (it's still there). We picked up some books from the library, some of which were actually for me and I actually got to read them this week. Reading a book, what a novel idea. I also reclaimed my living room by purging a bunch of toys. I took several sacks of toys downstairs and switched out some of the upstairs toys so he would focus on the "new" toys and not all the missing toys. Once I was finished it was like I had a whole new living room. It was soothing and organized. Almost like it was before I had a baby. I've managed to keep it picked up all week!!!

Tuesday we went for a nice bike ride. We didn't go very far because I just wanted it be fun, and I haven't been on my bike in a couple of weeks and was hoping to ease back into things (I still paid for it later). On the way back to the car we stopped at the Master Gardner's demonstration gardens and played in the shade of the old trees. It was quiet and lovely.

Wednesday I was very tired for some reason, so we stayed in during the morning and went out the nature center and did some shopping in the afternoon.

Thursday I decided that we should hang out at the demonstration gardens again so I packed the picnic basket with books and toys and snacks and we rolled out the blanket and spent the morning there. Michael was outside and free to run around and play. He was kept happy with snacks and books. He was so content playing with his toys, I actually got to read some from one of my books! Whoa!

Be free my child!

I love your little face.

This child runs on grapes.

Hi-ho Silver!

Friday we had to go grocery shopping. Blah.

Saturday DH took Michael for a combine ride. Do you think it's a good idea let a kid that's allergic to soybean harvest them? Michael enjoyed the ride but his nap got screwed up and that made for some unhappy time the rest of the day.

Today we all went back to the demonstration gardens had a "picnic" (or 'nak' as Michael calls it).

I'll take as many of the lovely days as I can get.

Disaster

2011-10-01T07:30:00.000-05:00

I have been busting my butt almost Michael's every sleeping hour to try to get 16 dinosaur tails finished for my church's Fall Festival tomorrow. The tails were going to be sold at the "Country Store" to raise money for the church. I had dreams of seeing kids running around the festival with their tails on.

SIXTEEN tails.

It wasn't so hard. Very time consuming, but not that bad.

Not that bad until the other day. I have all the spikes and main tail pieces cut out and sewn together. The straps and velcro all sewn, turned and pressed. All that is left to do is top-stitch the straps, sew them on to the tails, base on the tails and stuff them. Easy. I'd say they are all 80% done. It was totally doable to get them done in time. But then...

My machine started being an ass. I was using clear nylon thread to keep from re-threading my machine so much since I'm working with a bunch of colors. So I switched to regular thread and everything seemed to be fine again. For awhile. I was top-stitching the straps with a zigzag and the stupid thing kept skipping stitches (though it did about 6 of them just fine). That can't happen with such a visible zigzag and it looked awful. So I ripped out stitches and decided to use a different decorative stitch. It went okay for about a strap and a half and then it started skipping stitches. Then I said enough. I decided just to use a straight stitch but then it started skipping those too.

I have been in denial, but it seems that my machine's timing is off.

Weeping.

I have worked so hard to get these tails done and spent so much time on them and now I will have nothing to show for it except bags under my eyes.

And I don't know what's happened. I've messed up the timing on a machine before, but I was a teenager and way too rough on the machine and I was using hand quilting thread and well... I pushed too hard. None of that happened this time. I'm totally baffled as to why my machine decided to let me down in such a big way.

This all really went down last night. No time to get it repaired. I started to email my neighbors to ask to borrow a machine but decided to try one last thing and switch out my needle for a new one and see if it could just keep it together with a straight stitch. It seemed to do the trick, so I discarded the email. And then this morning it continued to give out on me.

I've thought about asking a neighbor for a machine again but I'm so demoralized and wasted so much time troubleshooting this that there is so little time left now that I'd be missing all kinds of family time to finish... and I hate telling Michael I can't play with him because "Mommy's sewing." And I have a ton of baking to do for the festival... 2 pies, 2 cakes, 2 loaves of bread.

Disaster.

Waste.

Check out my lovely zigzag.

So. done.

I'm so tired.

What to do with leftover curtain lining

2011-09-26T21:57:00.000-05:00

It's one of those weeks when I'm caught between what I want to sew and what I need to sew. And to top it off, I'm slightly sick (a consequence of visiting the inlaws) so I don't really want to do anything.

But it was another one of those chilly mornings and Michael currently only has 3 pairs of pants that fit him and all are in the laundry. So I really need to get with the pants making. Luckily I did buy a bunch of fleece last week at Joann's 50% off. And I saved even more when I picked up some fleece remnants which are already 50% off (you get the sale 50% on top of that).

So I needed to update my pants pattern. I found my recent shorts pattern and knew I needed to add a touch to the rise and make the legs longer. I usually like to make my patterns on big pieces of paper but I'm about out. I have some muslin that's good for patterns but I don't like tracing it. I bought some pattern tracing paper the other week. Big mistake. That stuff is about useless it's so thin. Tear resistant my ass. And then I remembered my left over blackout lining. Which leads me to...

I had a bunch of left over lining from sewing my nephew's curtains. I never know what to do with excess drapery lining. You can't really sew it together to make a bigger piece because then it won't really be 'blackout' anymore and it really only works as a curtain lining so it's not like you can use it in other sewing projects too easily. And it's such nice material, I hate throwing it away, but that's what I've done with it in the past... well only after months of holding on to it hoping I find a use then finally giving up and tossing it while cleaning.

So I had a little pile of it sitting next to my sewing table the other day when I was getting ready to make my reusable shopping bag. I knew I'd be using that pattern a few dozen times so I wanted to make it out of something that would last and be easy to trace and that when I remembered my blackout lining. The pattern worked great and I folded it up to use again later.

Main bag and reinforced handle. I will try to make a tutorial for this bag later.

So I went ahead and made the pattern for some simple pants. Blackout lining is easy to mark on with permanent marker and doesn't bleed. It also cuts like a dream. It's a little thicker so it can easily be traced. It lays flat even after being folded for a long time. It might be the perfect pattern material.

I'm so wasteful... I didn't even try to get that on the side.

I fold my patterns up and put them in gallon zip lock bags when I'm done. I keep all of Michael's pants together so I always make each set with the month and year so I can tell one from the other.

At least I tried to conserve fabric with this piece.

I got the pants I made with this pattern nearly done and tried them on Michael and realized that they were too wide. I trimmed down the pants and then went back and trimmed down the my pattern similarly. I'm just fumbling around here and hoping what I make is wearable.

Take a little off the sides.

That's better.

Trimmed down they were pretty much perfect.

Silly, wonderful boy.

Kitty "hugging".

Now I just need to make about 4 more fleece pairs... and then some jeans... and then some lined woven... and then some corduroy....

Inlaws

2011-09-24T22:18:00.000-05:00

We are visiting my inlaws this week. DH always comes home this week because it's the county fair (I know, it's really late here) and the fair is a huge deal around here.

I was looking forward to this week because I need a break from Michael, but I hate to leave him so going somewhere and letting Grandma play with him all day with him on the other side of the room is more appealing to me. Except...

Well, there are a lot of things that are stressful about traveling and visiting family and I don't need to make the laundry list out, but I've been particularly put out by MIL's complete disregard for Michael's schedule. Michael is the least flexible child in the world. Alright, that might be an exaggeration, but it's not far off. If he's always getting his way and having a good time then you can do things whenever you want, but the second you try to make him do something he doesn't want to, all hell breaks loose. And I can't blame him for being cranky when he's tired or hungry, I am too.

I don't know how many times I've told her that Michael naps at noon. And she can't hear so I'm literally yelling it at her which irritates me more. He's rubbing his eyes and is about to fall out of the chair, isn't it obvious, why do I have to say anything at all? I thought she was eating lunch with some fair people at 11:30 the other day but apparently we were suppose to eat lunch with her. So I ordered for Michael as soon as we got there so that he could eat but I had to leave with my food in a doggie bag as soon as it came and didn't get to eat it for another hour because I had to take Michael home by myself (everyone else, DH included stayed and visited and ate). And he missed half of his nap and cried the entire time we were at the fair that night and DH and I had take him home early.

Crying on the train ride.

And MIL keeps saying, "Oh, he's just crying because that other little boy was crying."

NO! He's crying because he missed half his nap and he's tired and cranky.

Then she'll say something like, "Well, I thought he could just sleep in the car."

NO! FUCKING NO! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU HE WON'T SLEEP IN THE CAR? It doesn't matter that every other kid on the planet falls asleep in the car, mine doesn't. Mine falls asleep in my arms. Some people my find that ridiculous, but I think it's kinda sweet (and he does fall asleep in his crib at night, but only after we've nursed and cuddled). I like being a mommy. I don't like people messing with our routine and making me feel like a bad mommy because my kid is crying in the backseat because he's tired and doesn't want to be in the car.

I chewed out my husband quite a bit after that. He's different around his family so I just laid it down that we are following Michael's schedule and doing things on time and other people join us if they like and he'd better be the first one to let everyone know that.

It's not like we don't give any. I'm ok with moving things by a half hour or so. We pack snacks to eat on the go. We make the best of the situation, but he needs some consistency to his days. The kid didn't have a daytime schedule until he was nearly 14 months, trust me, we don't want to go back to that.

And MIL is also watching our nephew for a couple of days. Oh man do I want to tattle on her for completely disregard SIL's schedule (not that I will). They are bigger on the schedule than we are. She had him up past 10:30 last night (we went to bed, so I'm not sure when he did) and he only took an hour nap today. It's 9:30PM now and Michael's been asleep for an hour and they still aren't even home. The difference is that he IS the world's most flexible child and he's a huge Grandma's boy so he tolerates it well (but he'll have a melt down too if it goes on for too long).

But seeing nephew and Michael together is just another reminder to me of how completely different they are. We took the boys for a walk this afternoon. Michael ran ahead the whole way, stopping to play in leaves or pick up an acorn. Nephew insisted that Grandma carry him almost the whole time and is practically afraid of Michael (he's just too energetic for him). Michael wears me out and sometimes I just want him to stop wiggling for awhile but if I had to choose between the two personalities, I take my running, screaming, curious wiggle-worm any day.

C'mon! I'm waiting!

I'm not waiting anymore.

Inspecting some cool tree bark

Maybe I'm just grumpy because they don't have kettle corn down here.

Creative me!

2011-09-19T21:50:00.001-05:00

I struggle with what to do with the blog these days. I think a lot of infertility bloggers find themselves in the same position after they get to the other side. This isn't an infertility blog... or a mommy blog... or something else entirely. And it doesn't really have to be anyone thing, but I feel like I'm misusing my blog when I completely veer from IF. But I don't want to leave this blog. This is my home on the internet. So, it's time for some rearranging and here's my new plan:

Posting once a week on life, IF, whatever.

Posting my craftier pursuits on Monday and linking up to The Southern Institute's Creative Me Monday.

And I'll probably do a boastful "mommy post" at the end of each month about my cute little man. I plan to be completely unapologetic and totally gushy in these posts, and if that's too much for you, skip it.

Alright, so that's how I'm going to try to roll for awhile and see how it goes.

Ok, so it's Monday and that means...

I've been trying to keep myself on sewing projects over here. I've got a long to do list and I've been slowly, but surely cranking stuff out. So this first post is just the back log of stuff that I've been meaning to blog about.

Curtains for my nephew

My SIL asked me to make curtains for my newphew's room. She moved him out of the nursery into his "big boy" room to make way for the new baby. She currently has a sheet covering his window and but wanted some nice blackout curtains that would grow with him. I found a nice Annie Selke pattern called Indigo Links at Joann's and we both thought it would look great in his room for years to come.

Just look at those curtains blocking out the light!

The curtains are simple tab tops. They look really nice and I think the blue and ivory will look great with the yellows, oranges, reds, and blues in his room. I tried them out on Michael's window to check measurements (they are not yet hemmed in this photo and nephew's window is longer than Michael's). They look great, but don't photo graph well. The pattern looks really busy, and they are a little busy, but it's not that bad in person. Anyhow, they are done and I'm glad to have them out of the way.

I'm supposed to make him some floor pillows from the remnants but they are lower priority and I don't have the time just yet, but soon. They will be my first piping project.

Drapes for my (soon to be) niece

I'm surprising my SIL with curtains for my niece's room. She was wanting curtains for the nursery but decided she'd rather have curtains for nephews room and didn't want to ask me to make both, so I decided to make some anyways. BIL knows about it so he can stop her from buying anything in the meanwhile before I give them to her.

The fabric is really pretty and girly and perfect for her room. They are rod pocket curtains with Sonata Sateen lining on the back and a pretty muslin ruffle at the bottom. I tried them out on Michael's window too (his rod isn't high enough for them, but they should just touch her floor).

Close up of the fabric. There are little pintucks sewn into it and ric-rac and ribbon sewn on it.

This is the nursery it will go it. It will coordinate really well with the purple and green.

I need to make them some tie back and I'm making baby blanket out of the fabric too, but my ruffler foot is being jerk right now, so I'm not sure when I will finish it. The baby's going to be here in November, so I can't slack too much longer.

Fall Jacket for Michael

So it's cold all of a sudden and I'm not really prepared for this weather. I think I was just dying from oppressive heat 2 weeks ago. I need to make Michael some pants and long sleeved shirts for this winter but first priority was to make him a jacket for the cool mornings.

I made this from Kwik Sew 2911. It's made with Polartec 200 weight fleece and it's AWESOME! (I don't want to get on my soapbox about fleece, but if you are making things to protect from the elements, you should get high quality fleece... probably not the stuff at Joann's. Stepping down.) I'm so happy with the way this turned out. It looks store bought and it's very warm. And he likes to wear it!

His ears look better than that in person! His hat makes them look funny.

I have some more Polartec to make a few more of these. I'm going to make him a red one with a hood out of Windpro that will really keep him warm when things get nasty. I'll still need to buy him a winter coat, but this will cover a lot of the season.

It's also nice being able to customize the sizing. I used the 3T pattern which left the arms just slightly long (I trimmed them down) and the length just slightly short (the 3T is probably sized correctly, Michael is just super long). Next time I make one I will be sure to add a little to the length.

Fall Cardigan for me

I haven't gotten myself a new fall jacket since I was pregnant with Michael... in fact, I was still wearing my maternity cardigan. I was not happy about that situation (and now that Michael's older I definitely don't want people thinking that I'm pregnant because I'm still wearing maternity clothes) but me and clothes just don't get along so I refused to spend money on something again until I found something I liked. So I made myself a fall cardigan out of some grey knit I got at Joann's.

Just think how awesome this would look if I had a waist!

I followed this tutorial and it turned out really well. It think it's a versatile piece and I love the fabric. The only bad thing is that the knit is really light and it won't work for too long so I'll have to move on to my coat or something heavier soon.

Reusable shopping sack

I have an Envirosax reusable shopping bag that I love but they are kinda 'spensive and I'd been examining it for awhile and thought I could make one myself.

I got some nylon yesterday and made it last night. It took about 3 hours from making the pattern to finish (and cooking a quick dinner in there too) but I'm really happy with the result. It's constructed identically and is as good quality wise as the originals or better (but definitely not as pretty).

They roll up easily and compactly, so you can always have a few in your purse or car for unexpected grocery trips.

My grand plan is to make these as stocking stuffers for Christmas. A fabric coop that I'm in has nylon for cheep right now, so instead of paying $7-$15 per bag, I can make them for about $2.

I've actually had a couple other small clothing items in there too, but I didn't take pictures. Check back to see what I'm making this week next Monday and stop by The Southern Institute and see what other creative people are posting!

Last weekend

2011-09-18T22:24:00.000-05:00

I'm getting pretty poor about keeping up with blogging lately seeing that it's Sunday night and I'm blogging about last weekend. I think I'm going to work on a bit of a blogging schedule that is more satisfying for me, but more on that later.

Last weekend was a big weekend for us. The national Case tractor show was at the show grounds near us. This was a pretty big deal for my husband and his tractor club. We planned to spend a lot of time there. Michael is tractor obsessed and was thrilled to be surrounded by them.

And DH had to be a hotshot and take his combine to the show.

I added a detour into the weekend... We had just got a copy of the farm bureau's quarterly magazine and there was an article about the Anheuser-Busch's Clydesdale breeding facility. I mentioned it to my husband and he let it slip that it was just across from the show grounds. I was so excited! I found out that they gave tours and jumped to sign us up for a tour on Saturday. DH was not excited about the tour. I always love seeing the Clydesdales so the tour sounded like fun.

But honestly, it wasn't much of a tour. We didn't get to see many horses and we only toured the main barn. I was envisioning something more like a wagon right through the pastures of the facility to get a look at the horses. We just stood and stared at empty horse stalls. It was hard keeping Michael still. Mutual torture. So it kinda sucked because the tour was my idea.

Michael was pretty into the semi-trailers. You can always win with trucks or tractors with that kid.

It was a pretty good weekend. Delicious kettle corn.

Nothing exciting this weekend. More fun and kettle corn next week!

I need a lawyer

2011-09-12T17:55:00.000-05:00

Or someone body that is married to one... or maybe just good friends with one.

It's not what you think.

DH's cousin is studying law up in Vermont. She was helping someone cleanup their flooded basement after Irene the other week. She wasn't wearing protective foot wear and apparently some acid leaked out of something and burned her feet and ankles.

I felt bad for her, but didn't think it was too much of a big deal, but apparently it's pretty bad. She is having to get skin grafts and everything.

I feel terrible for her. The pain, the recovery, the feelings of self-conscientiousness about her feet for the rest of her life. A get well card doesn't seem like it's enough.

So, I was wanting to ask the lawyers and spouses/friends of lawyers (or anyone that that has a good idea) if they could recommend a humorous law book (you know, lawyer humor) or something along those lines that I could send in a care package. Or, she's taking the bar exam this summer, is there a cheap study guide/flash cards/whatever that she might enjoy reading while she's laid up? All suggestions welcome.

Thanks.

Our Labor Day Adventure

2011-09-08T19:19:00.002-05:00

I told my husband a few weeks ago that I'd like to take Michael to the state park (near) where I grew up. It's a beautiful place that once was home to a magnificent hotel owned by a wealthy businessman, but a fire started one night and burned it down. The remains are referred to as the "castle ruins" and they overlook a beautiful blue spring. The area around the castle is wonderful, hilly, karst land with fantastic trails. When I was a kid the trails weren't complete in some places and I remember being terrified of climbing around on the grip rings in the rocks. Now I try to spot the old grip rings when I walk by on the wooden platforms. There are lots of caves too and you can do some serious splunking if you go during the right time of the year (most of the caves are only open a day or two in the winter for the sake of the bats). There is even a natural bridge.

Me and my friends used to hang out there all the time. Oh the stories I could tell... but I won't because that time is gone. But it's definitely a place that I wanted to take Michael and it was beautiful on Labor Day so we went down then.

First we went to the castle ruins. Michael really wanted to climb down in the castle.

The spring below.

So next we went down to the spring trail. The spring comes out into an area with a small, but vertically challenging island in the middle of it. We broke off onto one of the island trails. Ok, so really the trail isn't that challenging, but I was wearing a 33 pound toddler on my back and that makes everything (a lot) harder... this is no place for strollers, not even the Chariot.(Not that challenging, however, if your are from Kansas the hills around here could be lethal.)

Near the top of the island is Balanced Rock.

Looking back up at the castle ruins. Do you get a sense of the vertical nature of where I grew up? Yes, I'm a hill person.

Ducks in the spring area.

The spring outlet.

We turned back when we got to the spring because I didn't want to take the stairs (316 steps) back to the castle (actually that's just the first set of stairs, there are even more than that to get all the way to the castle). On a good day, they are challenging, and they even have a warning about not taking them if you are pregnant or have a heart condition, but with a baby on my back, they would have killed me. I didn't bother taking a picture, but I wish I would have since I can't seem to find a good one on the internet.

Finally we went down to the natural bridge. That's a nice short trail and it was quiet when we got there.

Looking at it from the other side.

There are a ton of places that we did not go, but a couple of hours was enough for us that morning. We went to my parent's house to let Michael take a nap and visit before going home.

This weekend we have another cool trip planned, and I'm completely stoked about part of it!!! I will definitely be posting about it next week.

Guess who I met today!

2011-09-01T21:49:00.000-05:00

You all might not believe it, but I met the MOST fertile woman E.V.E.R.

I know, what are the odds?

It was really hot out today so I took Michael to the mall to play this afternoon. A mom walked in with four little ones and sat down near me. We talked a little and then she made a comment about her stomach hurting because she was pregnant (she looked like a size 2, fyi).

Me: "Oh, you're pregnant?"

MFWE: Yeah, I was going in to get my tubes tied and they asked me if I felt pregnant lately.

Me: Wow.

MFWE: Yeah, I asked them if they could go ahead and tie my tubes anyhow. They said no. Me and my husband have always been careful, but I just keep getting pregnant. I've gotten pregnant on the pill, using condoms, with norplant, with an IUD, and I found out I was pregnant last time when I was supposed to get a hysterectomy because of a bad car accident. But I couldn't get the hysterectomy because I was pregnant.

Me: Have you heard of the Essure process where they insert little springs to block the tubes?

MFWE: Oh yeah, I got pregnant with that too.

Me: Maybe you should try for that hysterectomy again because with your luck your tubes will grow back and you'll get pregnant again.

She apparently has 5 children but has been pregnant 8 times (I didn't ask what happened to the other three).

I told her that I was the opposite and it took months and several thousand dollars to get me pregnant. I told her that I took a picture of Michael with his bill on the anniversary of his conception. She thought that was pretty cool.

I'm not sure if she was a huge liar or if I should have asked her to sign my ovaries. I have a feeling that she wasn't lying but might have been a little mistaken... perhaps she thought the Essure implants were the same as an IUD? I can't imagine that someone one would get pregnant after having those springs inserted for a few months and then get pregnant at least once more (her current pregnancy). And if you had those you wouldn't need a tubal ligation. But she was trying to show me her norplant scars. She said comes from a family of 9 so I bet she inherited good fertility.

And as a bonus she said her youngest was walking at 5 months. The is absolutely the earliest I've ever heard of a kid walking, but she also pointed out that he walked funny and that they were having him checked for spine curvature and other issues since he may have actually over stressed his growing bones walking that young and caused problems.

I'm learly of believing with such extreme stories. I've known way too many pathological liars and this seems like it wreaked of deceit, except that it DIDN'T.She might have been a little confused, but I really think I met the most fertile woman ever.

I seriously should have taken a picture of her.

Free at last!

2011-08-29T14:07:00.000-05:00

Well, something like that.

I don't like to talk about it much, but DH and I borrowed nearly all of the down payment for our house from my parents. Not a fact I'm proud of, but given the time and the circumstances, it was the right thing to do.

Yesterday, four and a half years later, I paid it off! My mom controls people with money, a fact I knew going into the deal and now I'm no longer in debt to her. I'm sure that she's happy and proud of me for paying her back in full (plus interest) and so quickly (5.5 years ahead of schedule) but she probably is a little sad knowing that with that check I cut the last real string she had on me.

I decided to pay it off yesterday because it was her birthday and my SIL made dinner for everyone. I made my mom a purse* as her gift and wrapped up the check in the 2011 payment statement and put it in one of the pockets. But all passive-aggressiveness aside, I guarantee you that loan was the best investment they've made in 4.5 years** so we all benefited from it.

I have been itching to pay that off. I'd intended to pay it off at the beginning of the year but we knew that my job probably wasn't going to last so we shifted things around and decided it was better to pay the car off first. So we got that paid for in January (!!!) and now we've paid off my parents too!!! Now our only debt is with the bank for our house and land. Debt sucks and must be eliminated! Die debt, die!

* I'm kicking myself for not taking a picture of the purse. It was Butterick #5109(B) (the lower left one) made with black pleather exterior and pink plaid lining and silver rings on the handles. It was cute, but the shape turned out a lot more triangular then the picture shows, and I didn't love the shape of it.

(The only scrap I have left of the lining fabric)

**That's not to say that my parents aren't savvy with their money, but, ay craramba, the economy really has sucked for the last several years.

Sometimes I surprise myself

2011-08-26T21:37:00.002-05:00

I'm on a constant hunt to find new and exciting things to do with Michael these days. Not so much for him, but for me. I'm the kid always complaining that there's nothing to do.

So I got this idea the other day that I should take Michael biking out at this park with a lake nearby. I've never really spent much time there and they have a bunch of trails and it would probably be a lot of fun. Except that the trails are mountain bike trails, i.e. skill is required. And since I don't have much skill I thought I need to check this out before showing up with a toddler.

Any chance this is toddler friendly?
So DH took the afternoon off so that I could go to my therapy appointment and I loaded up the bike and planned to ride after my appointment.

First I forgot how to get to the stupid park. Winning? Oh and I also forgot my helmet in my haste to get loaded up. Smart.

I got out there and burned out on the first real dip in the road. (In my defense, it was a probably one of the biggest dips that I encountered on the trail but I still shouldn't have gone down on it). I cut the back of my calve and jammed up my rear break. I should have taken this as a sign and turned around and left but I freed up the break and dusted myself off and kept going.

The trail was about 3.5 miles and I planned to take the first shortcut and leave but I missed the shortcut. Then I planned to take the second shortcut but I thought I'd missed it and further along than I was and went by it because I was worried that it was the connector to the next trail set. Then I got my chain stuck up in the front gear and had to stop and fix it. At this point I finally figured out where I was. I was not nearly as far along as I thought I was (for the record I only thought I was that far along because the landmark descriptors were vague). Note to self: Bring your compass next time. Note to self: Find your compass. Note to self: You are a terrible Girl Scout.

I got my chain fixed up and went along. I did successfully identify where my trail connected to the other trail and I made the right turn and stayed on my trail. If I had screwed that up, I'd of never gotten out of there.

Finally when I got to a part of the trail that was close to the road I decided to cut through the woods and get on the road and go back to my car. I wanted to keep going but I still had about a mile of trail left and I was getting tired and wanted to get home. But I really wanted to keep going! I didn't feel like too much of a quitter because I made it a lot farther than I would have if I'd found that first shortcut.

I was very happy when I made it out to the road and rode the smooth pavement back to my car with views of the lake off the the side.

Nice leg, Crash.
I was hoping that even if I couldn't bike the trail with Michael maybe I could push the Chariot on it. It would have been doable until I got to the "boardwalk" which was a 1.5ft wide bridge over a 50ft long rough patch. So no, Michael will definitely not be seeing this trail anytime soon.

But the cool thing, even though I suck (hard), it was still a lot of fun. I want to do it again. I was afraid that I was going to fall and crack my head open the whole time and at one point I called my husband to make sure he knew which trail I was on so that I didn't have a "127 Hours" story go down (although it's a small area, so it'd be more like "127 Minutes").

So if we can get it together we are all going back out there tomorrow morning and going to try to push Michael on the nature trail, which should be reasonable. (But I'm also excited because the nature trail intersects with another mountain bike trail and I want to scope it out!)

I don't get a lot of time to myself these days. When I finally get a break from Michael I usually just go to Joann's. So I'm really happy that I found something else to do that was so satisfying and fun. I felt really happy tonight and I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the cut on my leg :)

Cute Photos - In lieu of substance

2011-08-24T22:35:00.001-05:00

Please accept photos of cute children and pets in lieu of an actual post.

Ambrosia is enjoying the morning sun.

Her peace has been disturbed.

Poor Kitty :(

Is he gone?

Too sun-drunk to care for long.

I guess she finally found a comfortable position.

Michael is rewarded for his kindness to the kitty with a fudge-cicle.

Hmmm....

This is pretty good!

Ain't I a stinker?

Ought-oh! It's getting messy!

When they get this messy, there's really only one thing to do...

Hose 'em down.

Development Explosion!

2011-08-15T21:19:00.002-05:00

It seems like there is so much going on in my head lately. One of the reasons I shy away from my blog is that I can't focus in on a topic (and that I don't have the time). And while I still have more things I'd like to blog about, today I just have to share Michael's explosive development lately. What, I'm a proud mom, so sue me.

With Michael things move real slow for awhile and I find myself wondering if anything is getting through and then he'll have a bunch of development all at once. When this happens I'm always just in awe of how cool this kid is. It blows my mind. But lately, wow, it's just crazy.

His vocab seems to be growing exponentially. He's still really hard to understand on most things, but he's spitting out new words every hour that he's awake. It shocks me the most when he says a word that we don't use a lot. It's like, "Whoa, when did I even say that last?" I think I will have to be a little more careful with swearing now too (not that precocious cursing isn't adorable).

He put two words together for the first time the other day. He said "read book." Or course it sounded more like "eed bokh" but really very understandable (and he was shoving a book in my lap too).

He's counting, well not really, but sort of.... The other day I was pulling the diapers out of the dryer and counting them as I put them in the basket (I always do this to keep an eye on how many diapers he goes through a day). I pulled out the 5th one and tossed it in the basket and stopped to dig deeper in the dryer and before I could get the next diaper he said, "six." I figured this was a fluke so I tried it again the next time I was doing the diapers. I stopped after the 4th and he said "five." Then today I was waiting on him to do something and I started counting (I count to three and if is doesn't do what I ask he goes to the naughty chair). I said "one" then he said "two." But he wouldn't do three.

Of course this doesn't mean that he can count, he just knows what word comes next. But he maybe able to count to 2 because I handed him two crayons today and he said "two." We count to two all the time, so that one would be on for what he's learned.

I've been working with him on his colors. Apparently it's pretty difficult for kids to learn their color words (this article is interesting, I'm going to have to try what they suggest), but Michael seems to have blue and orange down. He doesn't have a clue on the rest of them, but those two he seems to get right most of the time all of a sudden. Oh yeah, and he knows brown like a pro, courtesy of Mr. Brown Can Moo! Can You?

He started spinning in circles the other day. He will spin around and say "circle," he even got down on the floor and started drawing circles in the carpet with this finger.

So maybe this isn't that extraordinary, but when it all happens within a half week time span, it just leaves me wondering "What will he do next?"

The one place he isn't wowing my pants off is his motor skills. This kid is clumsy. Painfully clumsy. He bumps into so much stuff you'd think he was a pinball. And this leads to a lot of tears, which is annoy, honestly. It just really gets old quickly watching a toddler sob, red-faced on the floor every time you turn around. There are days I just feel like bubble wrapping him and sticking him in his crib. This kid has got to get better balance or more careful or tougher.

Ok, I'll STFU now.

First Oreo

Scribble

Stacking TP

Whoops!

Ugly crying

Clutter

2011-08-14T07:31:00.005-05:00

I've been busy sewing up a storm again, but I'll blog about that some other time. Today I'd rather discuss clutter.

I don't remember exactly how we got on to it the other day, but me and my husband were driving to the store (with Michael) and I was telling him about how I'd quit keeping a spreadsheet of my grocery receipts because I was feeling it was more like 'organization for organization's sake' and not doing anything to actually help me. In fact the pile of receipts laying on the table waiting for me to be taken care of was causing me to let the table pile up with other clutter faster than I would like and that was stressing me out.

But this led into a larger conversations about clutter in all parts of our lives. My mother used to always bring up a quote from some pundit (Suze Orman I think) that, "...physical clutter mirrors financial clutter." For me, that statement has always rang true. Not that my financial clutter has ever been so bad that is has caused problems, but it definitely needs tidying up from time to time. Even the kitchen table problem... junk gets on the table, then mail gets on the table, then it gets forgotten about on the table, then you're already late walking out of the house one morning and you have to run back inside and dig through all the crap on the table to find the bill you know is due today.

And just think about hoarders... you know their finances are as terrible as their homes.

But beyond finances, my physical clutter is a barometer for my mood. I think that's true for a lot of other people too (especially women).

In fact I was able to explain to him that he deals with his emotions the same way he deals with his finances and personal clutter. He thought about it for a minute and had to agree with me.

When the house gets really messy (which happens frequently with a toddler) my tension level starts to rise. I start to get frustrated with what I see. I start to worry about a neighbor stopping by and being disgusted by my bra hanging off the back of the couch. I'm not that neat of a person, but I like to pretend that I am.

I was listening to the radio the other day and they were saying that a survey had asked men and women what the ultimate status symbol was. For men it was a prestigious job. For women it was a beautiful home. Whether you completely agree with the results of that survey or not, having a nice home is certainly something that most people value.

And that made me think about the constant bits I hear and read discussing the division of household labor. I wonder if it's such a big deal because having a nice home is so important to so many people and causes stress for them when things get out of order, like me. If your home is how you think other people see you then having it messy and cluttered is a problem. And feeling like you're not getting help at home makes you upset.

When DH and I were engaged I asked him if he could spruce up my apartment a little the day that I was going to be gone for my bachelorette party. When I got home that night my place was sparkling! He had done so much more than I asked him to do. I was so happy and impressed. And it was even better because my maid of honor was with me and saw how wonderful my man and home were. And today it's the same. I'd take coming home and being surprised by a freshly vacuumed floor over roses any day.

And that is one place that I have to give my husband serious props. He is great with house work. He is very willing to do the dishes or vacuum or laundry. He may not notice that the base boards or fan blades are covered with dust, but I appreciate what he does. And when I am tired and really need the rest but it's clearly my turn to do a chore he'll step up and do it without asking and that is love, imo. I try to reciprocate as well. It's just nice to get a break from something every once in a while.

Which goes back to the cleanliness of our homes causing stress. Having someone else treat you and remove the physical clutter also helps with the mental clutter for most people.

Now that I'm a SAHM I feel a lot of self-inflicted pressure to be Sally Homemaker but I can't handle the stress that I put on myself to be that person totally. So I have let it go. I feel bad that my husband doesn't spend more time with his feet kicked up in the recliner after a day's work but he doesn't need that to be happy but I do need him to do the dishes for me to be happy.

What do you think? Does clutter in one part of your life relate to clutter in another part?

No!

2011-08-03T21:23:00.003-05:00

Michael started saying no today (probably because we keep telling him no). It's cute, so far.

And it was good timing because I checked out Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus! from the library and it's pretty much the perfect book for a kid that says no a lot.

His vocabulary is really starting to take off. He'll say several new words a day and repeat many words we say. He can say almost every word in Baby's First Farm, and a couple that he can't say he can (loosely) sign (like he signs 'water' for 'watering can', good enough for me).

However, many of his words are very hard to understand. And he'll change how he pronounces things. He's been able to say 'hat' for a long time but for some reason today he's saying it more like 'how'.

He's also saying 'mama' and 'dada' and pointing to us when he says them all the time. Oh, it just melts my heart. Nothing is sweeter than hearing your child's voice say mama.

---

In other news... I went to my therapy session on Monday and my therapist asked me how I've been over the last week. I told her I've been so busy with projects that I haven't had time to think about anything else... no anxiety, no depression. And I've got a giant stack of projects in front of me so I'm still completely consumed with activities. I'm still undecided if not having to deal with emotions because I'm busy is healthy or just tabling the problem. That concern aside, I do think having projects that I enjoy is definitely positive, so I'm not going to think about it too much.

A Week of Projects

2011-07-29T22:48:00.002-05:00

We are headed to our nephew's second birthday party tomorrow. Michael is only a little younger than him and loves dinosaurs (I've never met a little boy that doesn't) so I decided that maybe doing a dinosaur themed gift is good. I'd seen this tutorial for making really cute dinosaur/dragon tails awhile back and thought I'd make some of those for Michael and my nephew. I also planned on getting him some books.

So all I needed to do was sew a couple of quick tails this week.

With a week to sew these tails in I decided to procrastinate and make myself another bag. I'd been thinking about it for awhile now. I like my last bag, and I'm glad I finally have a big bag to contain EVERYTHING, but most of the time I don't really need to carry that much and I just want a very light bag. So I decided to sew the taller option of my market bag pattern. The inside is a pretty, inspiring print I found at Joann's and the outside is black pleather (oh yeah). I really love this size for everyday trips.

(I love my pretty blue zipper!)

I learned (the hard way) that you need to use a walking foot to sew pleather (pleather is 'gripy' and a regular foot will not slide over it). Luckily, I'd just bought one the week before. I also probably needed to increase the tension on my top-stiching and the backside of it is not so pretty in some places because of that. One of these days it's going to bother me enough to fix it or make another one.

With that out of the way I could make the dinosaur tails. I made an orange one for Michael first. I thought the straps sounded too big for even the rotund Michael's waist so I made 10" straps instead of 12". I should have stuck with the tutorial because Micahel's is a bit small (no room to grow). I made nephew's larger and green.

Michael wasn't sure about it when I first showed it to him but I got out one of his story books with dinosaurs and pointed out all the different tails and then he loved it. It's pretty cute on him too.

Then with that out of the way I decided to tackle another project that I'd been putting off. DH's grandma gave me a nice piece of green fleece awhile back. At first I thought, "What can I do with green fleece?" but then I thought, "DINOSAUR!" and happily accepted. So I'd been meaning to turn it into a dino anyhow and with the birthday thing I decided that I should go ahead and try. So I made up a little pattern and gave it a go. The first one (right) had really short and splayed legs, so it looks more like a Nessie than a dinosaur. So then I made a second one (left) and changed up a couple of things. They are both pretty mediocre, but I decided the first was the better of the two, so nephew gets it and Michael gets the one that looks like it giving me attitude.

Fun note, Michael is good at signing 'dinosaur' and saw the pattern as I was making it the other day and signed dinosaur. I <3 baby sign language.

Oh, and a walking foot makes sewing fleece 1000x easier too. I'm kicking myself for not knowing about this years ago.

So then I had this white t-shirt sitting around I got for ~$1 while ago too that I'd intended to cut up and make into a shirt for Michael (following this tutorial). I've made 5 or 6 of these for Michael already, so I can whip these out pretty quickly. So I got this shirt made and I was really happy with how it looked. I just love the crisp white against the bright green. I was in love. This is my favorite one so far, by far.

So then I decided that I had to make him some shorts to go with it. I'd been needing to make him some more short and putting it off for awhile. In my defense, EVERYTIME I make him new shorts I have to make a new pattern, which is kinda a PIA. He's big to begin with and his big cloth-diapered-inseam is hard to get right so I spend a lot of time thinking about this. I'd just made him some grey knit shorts the other day and did not get the pattern right (actually the shorts he's wearing the in the dinosaur tail photos. They look ok in the photo but they do not come up high enough in the back, and they are sewed like crap). But I was resolved to make him some shorts to go with his shirt.

So we drove to fabric store #1 and had no luck. There are so many cute girls prints... but good luck finding something with a hint of masculinity, grumble grumble. So we went to store #2 and I found a nice green plaid that I decided would do. So today I crossed myself and drew up a new pattern. I carefully matched up all pieces and sewed and, OMG, these are my best pants yet! I'm so proud of myself. They look like they came from the store. I'm going to have to make a couple more pairs with this pattern!

Ok. I'm pooped.

Avoidance

2011-07-27T22:09:00.001-05:00

I've been avoiding my blog (and blogging in general) for the last couple of weeks. I wasn't trying to avoid it, but I found myself a little depressed and completely frustrated between the heat and a fussy toddler. I still really believe that this depression is tied to my menstrual cycle and the timing was spot on again. So I'm caught between being happy that I'm "normal" and depressed due to my "normalness". Also, I think there is a strict limit on the amount of fuss that I can bear witness to in a given time period and Michael has totally blown that limit a couple of times lately. I think it's teething... constant, never-ending teething, but some of it is just being a toddler, so I will just have to learn to deal.

But a new cycle cometh and my mood has been better lately (less the fussiness). But I've still been avoiding by making excuses about working on projects or being tired. And I have completed a couple of projects which I will post pictures of soon.

So what have we been doing lately? Well, I found a nice bike on Craigslist to pull the Chariot with and I have been trying to improve my long-dormant biking abilities. Michael seems to like it a lot, but he started to get tired the other day and fought it (and fussed) rather than succumbing to the nap (this is his specialty).

Me and Michael are still tending the ~~weed patch~~ garden. Our squash did great but is pretty much done now. We may replant it and try to get a second harvest. Our pepper plants have been a total disappointment. Most of the tomatoes are looking fantastic! The tomatoes are going to start infesting this house like tribbles.

I'd been wanting to take Michael swimming, but the admission prices for the public pools around here are criminal if you ask me. I don't see why 2 years and under shouldn't get a reduced rate... when you've got a kid that little you can't stay that long and I feel like I'm just wasting money. So we drive up to a park with a free "beach" and play in the fountains and lake. It's probably as much fun and there are other things to do around there.

Speaking of other things to do near the swim beach, I thought it might be a good idea to take Michael for ice cream after swimming the other day and the best place I could think of was the parlor on campus in the building attached to my graduate programs' building. I have avoided that place like the plague since graduation. But I have such fond memories of the ice cream parlor that I thought it was worth it. I remember my first class as a freshman and the seniors all walking in late (yes, seniors in with freshmen in this class) because they all stopped to get ice cream before class... ah, those were the days (it became a bit of a tradition to somewhat defiantly flaunt lateness with this particular prof with ice cream). But not only did I take Michael for his first scoop of Tig.er St.ripe, but I got the bravery to venture back into the lion's den and stroll through my building. I ran into several profs and got to show off my adorable toddler. I was kinda glad that my old advisor wasn't there. In the end it wasn't nearly as scary returning there as I thought it might be. Maybe I shouldn't have been working so hard to avoid that place for the last 4 years.

I promise to post again soon.

Blackberries

2011-07-07T22:12:00.000-05:00

DH was watching Michael the other day and took him out to see our land and noticed that some of the wild blackberries were almost ready for the picking. So we went back tonight and picked the ripe ones.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, but this was actually my first time visiting the land. It's not far away or anything, just not too accessible and not the best place for a young baby (however it's perfect for a rough and tumble toddler).

I tried to pick a couple of berries but the thorns were getting me bad so DH picked the rest and Michael and I walked up out of the wooded area to the clearing.

I know my picture sucks. If I cared more I would have taken a bunch of pics and stitched a panoramic together, but I don't. It's hard to see everything anyhow due to the lay of the land. Below is the aerial of the land. We own the big field and some of woods on the north side (about 40 acres). It's an especially nice piece of land if you're into seclusion.

Michael had fun walking through the weeds. A lot of them were as tall as him but he didn't mind. I think we got all the ticks off him, hopefully the chigger and mosquitoes didn't get him too badly. He's definitely becoming a nature boy. We were at the nature center this morning Michael got to see his first deer on one of the trails. I think the deer was as interested in us as we were in him.

The fruits of our labor.

I don't have any special plans for these berries. Just eat them as they are. I've been really surprised how much Michael likes them since I've tried to feed him blackberries on several occasions and he would eat one and squish the rest (he hasn't squished any of these, yet).

Unexpected news

2011-07-06T14:26:00.001-05:00

I love my baby. We have so much fun. Just looking at his sweet little face melts my heart. I love it when he hugs and cuddles with me. And it's because of him that I can say this: I'm so glad that I'm not pregnant right now.

One of my neighbors had a baby a few weeks ago and she asked me if I would be interested in being her full time babysitter when she goes back to work. Honestly, it was kinda flattering and part of me thinks it could be fun (her baby is really easy going, which helps). But there is no way that I could. Aside from the very obvious issue that my own kid makes me want to run away screaming sometimes (and I don't mean that as a joke, Zoloft anyone?), but we have just gotten to the point where we can go and do and have lots more fun these days. There are some things that we simply could not do with a bobbly-headed newborn, and some things that would be extremely difficult with a baby and toddler. I know I could make it work if I had to, but the point is that I don't have to just yet. A part of me would probably enjoy the challenge, but I know that I'm not ready yet.

But it seems like everyone is pregnant again. And all due around Christmas for some reason. I suppose it seems like everyone is pregnant right now because I'm starting to think about it again and that's when you start noticing. Pregnant bellies everywhere! And again, I don't want another kid right now, but there is still a draw to pregnancy and perhaps my subconscious is more interested than I thought.

And although my mind seems drawn towards the idea of another kid and I get anxious thinking about taking care of 2 kids, I don't get anxious about getting pregnant again. I'm really not worried about that, for a couple of reasons.... First, I have a great little boy that fills me with contentment. Second, I'm an ovulating rock star these days, that definitely adds to the confidence. And third, we have excellent IF insurance coverage now and for me most of the anxiety about reproducing came more from 'how will we afford treatment'.

And now a story.... When me and SIL were pregnant we heard DH's cousin, A, say that she was getting the itch to have another kid. She was catching a little baby fever. This really pissed me and SIL off because she had the only 3 great-grandchildren in the family and those kids were spoiled at every holiday and family gathering. And A and her husband are also terrible parents and I often refer to her children as the "monster" children (a situation caused by really poor parenting, the kids are not intrinsically monsters, of course). IMO, it was time for her to take care of the kids that she had and let some of the other women in the family have the babies. I was glad that SIL and I were having kids around the same time and I like that the boys are the same age, but A having another kid at the same time just seemed like she couldn't stand that she wasn't getting all the 'mommy attention' anymore.

So now SIL is pregnant again and scheduled to deliver in November. Good for her. But, it got dropped on us over the weekend that A, at 38, 'without trying', is pregnant with her 4th. I thought I was going to be ill. I talked to SIL, and yes, she's definitely a little perturbed by the timing. And as Michael and his cousin were trying to sleep and the monsters were running around, screaming and slamming doors, SIL reminded me to remember this when A's new baby comes. Of course, it's not like it will matter, they don't keep their kids on any kind of schedule or insist that they get enough sleep or anything.

And then their's A's 37 year old sister that has been trying to get pregnant for about a year now and hasn't had any success. I have told her that she should go to an RE after 6 months, but she hasn't... I think she's in a little bit of denial about the difficulties... and with a Fertile Myrtle sister it would be easy to be so. But I know it was kinda a stab in her heart when she heard the news too.

And then there's A's mother that has raised those kids for the most part, providing free, full time day care for the last 9 years. Just a year away from getting the youngest in school. Never actually getting to play the part of Grandma because she has to be the parent most of the time. I bet she had to have drink after hearing that news.

So when we were all having lunch over the holiday weekend A's husband was looking for a place to sit and eat. He came into the den where me and a couple of others were sitting and said, "Oh good, there's no children in here." Not exactly the attitude that a guy that's about to have his 4th should have. I've had to shame that man into changing his baby's diaper because it was hanging down to his knees. And the most ironic part is that he is wearing a "World's Best Dad" or something like that shirt EVERY TIME I see him. In fact, DH has forbidden me to get him any of those daddy shirts because of the joke that A's husband has turned it into.

And I'm sorry if it seems like I'm making A having another kid out to be the worst thing in the world. It's not. Obviously. It's just very, very irksome because these are people that don't seem to enjoy parenting, don't to do a good job of it, probably can't afford it, are blessed beyond belief to begin with, and possibly just doing it for the attention. And I guess that maybe I'm still a little bitter about how easy it is for some people to reproduce. Sigh.

The River's a Rising

2011-06-29T22:34:00.000-05:00

I had Michael at the library awhile ago and overheard a dad saying how much fun it was to park by the bridge and take the new pedestrian bridge across with his kids. I thought it sounded like a good idea and so Michael and I did it. And I'm glad that we did because I discovered a whole bunch of new activities in doing so.

So one thing I like to do is park on the north side of the river (the side I live on) and take the stroller across to the south... then maybe down town... down to the ice cream parlor... around the historic buildings... whatever, so much more interesting than my neighborhood and good exercise.

But you may have heard about this lil 'ol Missouri River flooding, which is a bit of a problem around here. Granted, not a problem like up in the South Dakota and Nebraska, but still a problem. Particularly if it floods out where Michael and I walk (which is very possible).

So we headed down there today to take it in again in case it gets flooded (or closed for safety even). The water is definitely getting higher.

We took the new stroller.

Because we had the new stroller we were finally able to go down the nature trail. It's right next to the river and was only about 1.5 feet above the river, so I thought that we'd better go down it today because it might not be there tomorrow.

You need a tough stroller for a trail like this. No fallen trees, tree stumps, or bushes could stop us. And Michael loved it. He was chattering the whole way.

Although this did stop us. Oh well, I'm pretty sure this was about the end of the trail anyhow.

We came back and went past the community gardens, the demonstration gardens, the athletic fields, the pavilion, the play ground, and towards the Katy Trail. Here are some old rail tracks left in the ground from when it was a rail road.

But I wanted to go across the bridge so we turned around and headed back. Then we went up the walk way.

To the bridge.

Across the river. Here is the river from 2 weeks ago.

And today. It's definitely up and muddy and flowing faster, but nothing too dramatic.

If you live by a big river you get used to the bickering between land owners and the Corps of Engineers about flooding and river rising and natural occurrences too. I tend to take the position of "the river was here first so it gets to do what it wants" but I will be sad if all recreation area floods again and it's unusable for months.

Then I decided to brave downtown with the stroller. I wanted to see how well a double would work on the narrow sidewalks. Then we went to the ice cream parlor and I was worried it wouldn't fit in there, but it did fine. I definitely have a lot more confidence in it now that I know it's not going to be too big to take in more crowded areas. (Sorry, I didn't take any pics.)

We finished and went home. That was 8.5 miles.

Note to self: buy new socks.

Best Week Ever

2011-06-26T22:28:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in a while because I think I just had the best week ever! Or at least the best week I've had since having a baby.

It was a good week for a lot of reasons. Me and Michael did a lot of fun stuff together. We are getting out and doing more active stuff lately which has been great for my mood. And it wears Michael out nicely and he's been going down for his naps well all week. But even better than that, he napped for at least 3 hours every day this week except for Thursday (2.5 hours, I think he was having some teething issues that day).

He has never napped like that. I start wondering if I took the wrong kid home from the grocery store if he naps for 2 hours 2 days in a row. This kid has never been a consistent (or good) napper. It was so great having all that free time this week. I should have got more done. Oh well.

And even cooler than that, our bedtime routine grew up a ton in the last couple of weeks. I had always nursed him to sleep. Nursing to sleep worked GREAT for us but it was finally time to end it because he just wasn't getting to sleep in a reasonable amount of time and was beating me up squirming around in the process. I started signing 'nap' (just like we do for nap time) and put him to bed in the crib after he's finished nursing and leave and he goes to sleep on his own very well. After a couple of nights of this, as soon as I sing nap he gets up and tries to go to his crib on his own. It used to take me an hour to put him down and now it only takes 15-20 minutes. I feel like I'm getting away with something every night when I leave. Nothing makes a tired parent happy like a baby that sleeps like a baby.

And he's just been so much more fun to interact with. He's is just dazzling me with his new skills and creativity everyday. He's dancing. He's speaking more. He's signing a ton. He's trying to figure things out. And he's freaking adorable. This stage is great!

We are giving him time outs in the 'naughty chair' when he misbehaves and that's going really well. I can threaten to put him in the naughty chair and he'll stop doing what ever he's doing. I hope the naughty chair never looses it's power.

And to have a little more fun, I told my husband that I'd like to have a jogging stroller. Not to jog with, but to push on gravel trails. We live very close to some wonderful trails that have always fantized about being able to share with my child. I didn't want to spend a ton of money and we don't live near stores where we can see things in person so I was relying heavily on the internet. After some research I saw the Chariot brand pop up a couple of times and when I investigated I was really pleased with what I saw. They are a ton more versatile than just a jogging stroller. We ended up with a Chariot Cougar 2 that we found on Craigslist. These strollers are extremely well made and loaded with features. And they have a bunch of conversion kits for lots of different activities. The guy that sold us ours already had the stroller kit and a bike hitch. I bought a jogging kit. It has a strap to put on your wrist in case your stroller gets away from you and it rolls like a dream, so it's definitely good that it has that strap. It's so much easier to push than my old lightweight stroller. We are pretty happy. And the Cougar 2 is a double stroller (although you can arrange it for single child to sit in the middle). When DH and I were debating whether to email the seller we had to finally discuss a second child because we didn't want to get a double if we weren't interested in having another kid. We decided that we do want another kid eventually, so that was nice, at least we on the same page.

So it was just a really great week here. I'm hoping that it wasn't a fluke. I need a lot more weeks like this one.

Namesakes

2011-06-15T14:10:00.001-05:00

We visited with some of DH's family over the weekend and MIL mentioned that DH's Aunt L wanted to get a picture of the boys together since they are both named for her late husband, Mike. We tried while we were there, but Michael's cousin was tired and didn't want Grandma to put him down and cried when we tried to set him next to Michael, so we gave up.

(Every.single.time we try to get a picture of the boys together the Cousin cries. A lot of it has to do with the fact that he is a Grandma's boy and if he thinks he'll have to share Grandma he freaks. SIL is pregnant and due in November, I predict some sibling jealously when Grandma comes to visit. I mean the poor kid continued to sniffle dramatically for a half hour after we tried to take the picture.)

So I emailed SIL and to ask her about getting a photo done but she hasn't emailed me back yet, so we will see.

But a day or two later Michael was eating in his chair and started signing tractor*. It took us a while to figure it out, but he had finally noticed the pictures of Uncle Mike on our wine tower**. So I told DH this would be a nice moment to take down the picture and show them to Michael. You'd thought I was trying to make him eat tofu or something. He didn't seem interested in showing his son pictures of the beloved uncle for which he named his son. There is a post for another day here, but if it wasn't obvious, I'm a bit annoyed with my husbands half-assing it sometimes.

But today Michael was shrieking to look at the picture again. He just loves looking at pictures of tractors. If it has wheels he can't get enough of it. He is such a typical boy (and I love it!). So I recorded it cause I think it's sweet. He was being kinda silly. If I can get him to be a little more involved with the picture and catch it again I'm sure Aunt L would love to have a copy of it.

*I had trouble finding the BSL sign for Tractor, but one website said it was just like Car but 'bigger' (cause tractors are bigger than cars, I guess). I love when he does it, it looks like he's doing the 'mashed potato'. You can see he's doing it while laying on his side too.

**Not that we actually ever get to consume any wine anymore.

Beat the Heat

2011-06-09T21:35:00.002-05:00

It's been pretty hot around here lately. I've been hearing the term "heat wave" quite a bit, but really, this is my expectation of what 'summer' feels like. Hot, humid, muggy. It's rather unpleasant here in Misery. But what can you do?

We have been trying to get out early to avoid some of the heat. Stroller walks around 8 am. It helps but it's already 87 and still so muggy that my jeans were sticking to my legs and I had to break my solemn vow to never wear shorts unless I'm on vacation or exercising. I guess you could count pushing a stroller as exercise. My legs are so white.

Mid-day we have been doing our usual shopping and library visits for an activity. But otherwise we stay indoors. Thankfully he naps from about 12:30-2:30, so that a good chunk of the hottest potion of the day.

I was trying to entertain him the other day and pulled a big pillow out of this basket I keep stacked high with pillows. It was a hit, I knew it would be, he LOVES pillows (squeezing soft things in general). It became useless to try to put the pillows away so we threw them in front of the bay window in our bedroom and they make a nice little out of the way spot to play and cuddle in now.

So I mentioned that he like to squeeze soft things... well, his favorite soft things to squeeze are the cats. The are remarkably good natured about this, and he is relentless. It's kinda mean, but so cute and I probably let him torture them longer than I should. They are too dumb to realize that they just need to walk away when they get tired of it, so that's their fault.

Our town is really small and there isn't much to do here indoors so we have to go to the next town over for almost everything which adds up with the price of gas these days. Hence I try to limit our trips but I've found a local way to treat myself once a week. We do have a McDonald's in town and they have 'happy hour' now from 2-4 and you get a $1 off their McCafe drinks. So we go after he gets up from his nap once a week. I get a sugary coffee treat (it has been soooo long since I let myself enjoy coffee) and he gets to play in the play land. He's not really old enough to go in the tube maze but there are usually other kids there and he has fun with them. It's a nice way to get out in the afternoon when it's too hot to be outside.

And then later in the day we go on the deck and play in the kiddy pool. We have a covered deck so we can really go out anytime and not have to worry about the sun, which is nice. Somedays we go out twice a day. I use unstuffed FuzziBunz as swim diapers and they work just fine.

Splish, splash.

Stay Hydrated.

Just because you're wet doesn't mean that you can't hug a kitty.

Enjoy nature! See the tiny praying mantis?

Speaking of bugs, if you don't live in certain parts of the south or midwest, you may not be aware that the 13 year cicadas are back. I'm not a fan. They are creepy and (very) loud. And until the other day, I hadn't seen any on the deck since it's a small distance from the trees. But that didn't last. The cats were afraid to go on the deck for a week after they started making noise. Now they think they are bad ass cause they killed some incredibly dumb bugs. Here they are showing off their prey. They are typical cats and trying to bring their prey inside. Yeah, no thanks kitties, you can keep those.

Bliss. Yuck.

Ambrosia. Yuck.

Finished

2011-06-05T09:18:00.006-05:00

I feel like I might have built too much suspense. It's nothing spectacular, but I finally made myself a diaper bag.

I have been thinking, planning, daydreaming about making myself a diaper bag for along time. I started out with a Fleurville Sling Tote. I love the shape of it, but it's just not big enough for us. Then I got a Sugar Booger Day Tripper because I liked how big the main pocket was. There are several things I don't love about this bag and it was not doing it for us. Then I really, REALLY wanted this Baby Kaed Jacey Bag but I would prefer it in brown and I can't spend that much on a bag without seeing it in person first. So I have been planning my own bag for awhile.

There are a lot of make-your-own diaper bag tutorials out there and I really like this one. I love the front pockets and she picked some really cute fabric. But I like something that looks a little more tailored... and bigger.

So I drafted myself a pattern and got fabric and started sewing. I got the outside finished and realized I had made a bag so large it could double as a pack and play (I kid, but only a little). So I ripped it apart and cut it down. Then I realized that I needed to taper the sides more, so I did it again. I was finally happy with the shape and size and made the lining. It came together pretty easily. (I constructed it much like my Flea Market Bag). I wanted a divider down the middle and planned to just sew it in by hand after I was finished (I know, it would be better to build it into the bag, but I didn't want to). So I ended up putting velcro tabs on the divider so that I could take it in and out if needed. I'd do that part slightly differently if I did it again, but I'm not planning on doing it again (at least not anytime soon).

I also made a trifold changing pad with Peltex interfacing (this is what I used to give the bag it's shape too). Peltex is stiff and I wanted to make a stiff changing mat because when you are changing a baby in public you usually only have one free hand and I wanted it to be easy to fold and shove back in the bag (and large enough too... it amazes me how small most changing pads are). I also made a sling to replace my ring sling. I liked my ring sling while Michael was still growing so fast and changing size, but now that things have slowed I think a pouch style sling is fine and folds up very small and neatly. (I always carry a sling with me in case a sudden fussy spell.)

So the bag...

It's made of green duck cloth and some outdoor fabric called "Button Blooms" by Waverly and tons of interfacing. It's about 19" wide, 6.5" deep, and 14" tall. The exterior has two front pockets and one large back pocket for the changing pad.

The interior has two zippered pockets on the back, two cavernous elastic pockets on the front, two smaller elastic pockets on the sides, and a removable divider.

It holds A LOT and there is room to spare in it.

And you might be wondering about the strap. Yes, I made it very short on purpose. I like a bag that can tuck under my arm and that I can clutch 'under my armpit' while bending over so that it doesn't flop all over the place. This is especially nice while strapping a kid into a carseat. I also think it's more comfortable to carry a bag like this. I miss my small purses that tucked neatly under the arm like this.

It would have been a fairly easy bag to make had I not have gotten the size wrong initially. I'm toying with making a smaller bag to complement it for quick trips, but for now I should probably focus on some higher priority projects.

---

I hit publish and I just realized that the bag matches my blog. Figures. I wasn't going for that. It was originally supposed to be gray and orange but I couldn't find a fabric to pull it together.

Work in progress: Seam ripping

2011-05-31T21:52:00.002-05:00

Sewing is always a feast or famine thing for me. A week of sewing every spare minute followed by a month of not even wanting to look at my sewing machine.

I'm currently seam ripping. I've changed my mind about something and created a bunch more work for myself. But on the bright side I got a new seam ripper the other day and it's making super quick work of it. It's one of those seam rippers with a ball on the short tip. I'm just gliding through my stitches with it. I wish I would have got one of these years ago (cause I use my seam rippers A LOT). I just had to share that.

Back to work.

Private Thoughts

2011-05-29T18:21:00.002-05:00

Despite my request, it is apparent that my spy/spies intend to keep reading. I do not wish to state exactly how I know they are reading, but they leave lots of tracks. I don't think they are even really trying to hide.

I can't stop them from reading without going private. I have thought about it, but I'm not going to. I blog to share my story. I hope that someone out there is benefiting from it. Most of the people find this blog by searching about PCOS or taking metformin during pregnancy and I want that information to be out there for them to find. I also want to share my parenting and anxiety and depression struggles, because I'm not perfect and it's isolating to think that you are the only one that is having a hard time. If that means some a-holes that I used to work with get to know that I think having orgasms could have helped me conceive, then that is the price. I'm not doing anything wrong and I won't act like I am.

I was in a very unhealthy work environment. I told my management how much I FEARED coming to work, and it fell on deaf ears. When I got fired I calmed myself by reminding myself that they can't hurt me anymore. And I'm not going to let them. I will never write a post about all the BS that went on there because I'm trying to forget about that place. Those people. How I was treated. There were good people there and I will miss them, but I can't separate the good from the bad and I'd like to just forget it all.

On a lighter note, I'm working on a craft project that I'm really excited about. I hope I'll be able to it reveal it later this week (if I don't mess up too much).

Not that it surprises me...

2011-05-24T20:46:00.002-05:00

Even though it's been more than 4 months, my former employer still finds it necessary to spy on me.

Hey guys, I don't bother you, please stop bothering me.

I mean really.

Get a life.

I don't know how reading about my menstrual cycles is company business but it seems like you all should have better things to do.

Country Boy

2011-05-19T20:43:00.007-05:00

We don't really live in the country, but we definitely rural out here. Michael has inherited his father's love of dirt and tractors.

We don't have room for a real garden at our house so we keep a garden at a friend's house. He moved this last year so we are starting over again this year but that's ok. Our friend is really good about letting us come out and dig up his yard. It's also fun that he has several horses and dogs to entertain Michael with. We have a bunch of onions, garlic and squash coming up already. We planted a ridiculous amount of tomatoes and peppers the other day. I forgot what a good workout gardening was for your ass. Mine reminded me the next day. We tried to start our own seeds this year but that seems to have basically been a disaster. We got a bunch of decent looking plants at the local farm supply for less than the cost of all of the seed starting materials, so I don't know that we will waste our time with that next year.

Michael's off roading it! He's still a wobbly walker in shoes so he falls in the dirt a lot, but that's ok, we plan on him getting dirty... really dirty. He goes straight into the bath when we get home from the garden.

This kid loves digging in the dirt. Nothing was planted yet so we just let him go at it where ever. But even when I take him to the park I can't get him to play with anything because he just wants to dig in the mulch. The other moms look at us like we're weird.

Playing with the marker. I found and earthworm and gave it to him the other day. He promptly tossed it over his shoulder like he does with everything these days. I'm sure the earthworm survived.

This cute little guy is our friend's dog and he is just the best little dog. He doesn't jump, and it is so nice to pet a dog that isn't jumping on you with muddy paws all the time.

This mare had just giving birth the foal less than 2 weeks earlier when this picture was taken (the foal is laying in the hay). I think I like the horses more than Michael (although I prefer mules). Michael likes seeing them but not petting them. Probably because I won't let him down around them (for obvious reasons) and he'd like to inspect for himself. We also have to be careful that he doesn't grab the hot fence wire either... omg would that be awful.

This is back at home. He LOVES sitting on Daddy's ridding lawn mower and pretending to drive it. If I take him outside we have to play on the lawn mower. Don't worry, it will be a VERY long time before he is allowed on one of these when it's running.

Moon

2011-05-11T20:40:00.000-05:00

Michael saw the moon for the first time in his life tonight.

It wasn't a spectacular moon or anything, just a little half moon. But until now he's been too little or it was too cold to have him out to see it. But tonight he was quick to spot the strange thing in the sky.

And then he picked a clover :)

Today was my husband's birthday. I realize it was 2 years ago that we found out that Muffy had cancer. We let Bliss and Ambrosia come out and sniff around in the garden. The only picture I got of them was of Ambrosia sniffing Bliss' butt (not posting that).

Dear Friends,

2011-05-08T20:18:00.002-05:00

Happy Mother's Day to all mothers... those that hold their babies in their arms and those that hold their babies in their hearts.

Love,
Amanda and Michael

Working Mom vs. SAHM

2011-05-03T18:24:00.002-05:00

It has taken me a while to do this post because I wasn't in a good enough place to do it for awhile. But I'm better these days and have a little more experience on my hands, so this is my opinion of my experiences as a working and as a SAH mom.

First, let me say that I truly do not believe that one is better than the other. One may be better for one family than the other, but there is no superiority for one over the other. I really dislike people (other moms) that trash talk the moms that don't do what they do. They are narrow-minded jerks, simple as that. Sorry to call names, but I'm pretty non-tolerant of non-tolerance.

Working would have gone a lot better for me if things had been different with Michael. I don't like to blame these issues on him but he did not to take a bottle, he did not like to nap. I did not like picking up a starving, tired, crying baby EVERY SINGLE DAY. The one thing we decided shortly after me going back to work is that we would not have me working when/if we had a second child. Lots of babies do fine at daycare. Mine did not. He was also sick every single week. That made me miss a ridiculous amount of work. And despite my complaints about our daycare, I paid top dollar for one of the best centers in town. It's possible that I could have found him another spot that worked better for him, but in the long run it was a lot or work (it was insanely hard to find infant spots in my area) for marginal benefits (a new center would probably not cure his bottle aversion or light sleeping) and figured that my employment would be ending soon enough so it would be better to tough it out a while longer. But despite the difficulties, Michael did like it there (another reason not to move him). He got excited at drop off every day but the days were just too long.

But despite all the hardships, I am really grateful for having a job to go to for that first year. Michael was a terrible spitter. I later put 2 and 2 together and figured out it was food intolerances (and he was just naturally spitty) but it drove me nuts. Every time I laid him down a cascade of spit-up washed over his chin and neck. Every diaper change, every nap, dozens of times per day. And I was continually covered in vomit. I had breakouts on my cleavage because of constantly being washed in spit-up. I smelled awful all the time. It was not pleasant. It would have been one thing to deal with the spit-up but it was another thing to me because he nursed so much that I would just about have a breakdown every time he spit-up because he never slept unless he was on the boob and he was ALWAYS ON THE BOOB. I was just always hoping that if I could feed him and keep it in him he might give me a break for awhile (that never happened). The few minutes that I would actually get him in the crib for I couldn't sleep because he would start spitting up in his crib and I would just lie in bed listening to him puke and wonder how long before he would start crying for me again. I kinda lived in terror of spitting up. And all of this was made worse by all of the nursing difficulties we had (poor latch, mastitis, bleeding nipples, pain, thrush, clogged ducts, under supply, over supply, a baby that like to scratch me as he nursed). It really was crazy. I was about to loose my mind here. And people that think I'm embellishing have no idea what it was like--it was even worse than I have described. One piece of evidence of my issues was that he better than doubled his weight in 2 months. Most kids take about 6 months to do that.

So working was a great escape from this. He could spit up all day long and I didn't have to be present for it. In this respect, what I didn't know didn't hurt me. The days when I picked him up in the clothes I dropped him off in were rare (and he was bibbed all day to boot). That may sound cold but I really could not deal with it. I probably should have marched into a psychiatrist's office right then but I kept thinking it would get better and I tend to martyr myself too.

As far as missing out on other things, I really don't really feel that I missed out on that much. I mean, sure, I missed out but the days are pretty slow with a young infant. And I'm very sure he did all his 'firsts' in front of us. And I also got a lot of pride out of hearing the daycare teachers tell me how much they enjoyed Michael and how well he was doing. That is a good feeling.

Spending so much time away from him during the week made me appreciate the weekends so much more. Every weekend was like Christmas. Those are truly some of the happiest days of my life. I don't know that they would be as joyful if I'd been home with him everyday.

So now I'm a SAHM and things are different. The spitting up tapered off around 10 months and I rarely deal with that anymore. Michael is much more active and interactive now. I was delighted to read Michael story after story our first couple of weeks home and I was starting to be convinced that being a SAHM was where it was at. Daycare would never spend this kind of 1 on 1 time with him. Other positives included having the time to wean him on to table foods (which was a challenge) and cow's milk. Helping him to learn to walk was also a lot of fun. Oh, and he hasn't been sick once since he's been home (although I think a little illness is good for them).

But that isn't everything, is it? I was dealing with my anxiety and depression issues and not doing very well with them. And the days that have gone poorly and I have felt like a complete failure as a parent? More frequent. I was never getting time away from Michael. And Michael was not getting any socialization. He regressed in speech for while which I will always wonder if that was my fault. Plus I was having trouble with my increased domestic duties. Oh yeah, and Michael's refusal to get on a daytime schedule (and skip naps) wasn't helping. These days we are doing better with some of these things and the same with others. Drugs have definitely helped the depression and anxiety.

I'm thankful for my time at home with Michael. I'm thankful that we can afford for me to be home with him. I'm really enjoying it for the most part. I love seeing him change from day to day. I love interacting with him and telling my husband the cute things he does everyday. I also started keeping a journal about the things he is doing and I will give it to him someday. I think it's good to try to reflect on each day and and write down a few things. I should have started this when he was born but I was so tired by the end of everyday that I didn't have the energy.

This has kinda rambled on and for a reason--I don't think one wins out over the other. For us, right now, me being a SAHM is the right thing. I'm grateful for the time that I worked even though it was tough on us. I'm grateful to be at home. Being a working mom was tough. Being a SAHM is tough. I look forward to the days ahead with Michael but I wonder about/fear the challenges of re-entering the work force if I stay at home for the next several years.

Last year I put myself last. I was sick and in pain much of last year because I just didn't take care of myself. I don't really have that much more time to myself as a SAHM but I'm definitely making myself a priority. But it is still easier with work out of the way. So maybe that is the best part of this all. I need to take care of myself to be a good mom and I have the opportunity to do that now.

Can I just say...

2011-04-29T12:55:00.007-05:00

That I think Kate Middleton looked fabulous! Particularly her tiara and veil.

She has wonderful taste if I do say so myself.

I don't normally post pictures of myself. It's kinda like meeting a radio DJ in person. They never quite match the picture you've made in your head, but it I always really loved my veil and was really excited to see Kate wearing the same style. The style is a drop veil, in case you didn't know. I remember this evil beautician telling me that I was wearing my veil wrong at the practice hair session and I decided to cancel with her and go somewhere else last minute. If I was doing it wrong, so was Kate. Every veil doesn't have to be poofy.

It just so happens that one of DH's cousins is getting married and was going on about veils over the weekend. She couldn't understand why they cost so much when you can buy tulle for a couple of bucks at the fabric store. Yes, the whole wedding industry is a racket, but I felt my veil was worth the cost. It was a custom, handmade veil. They actually had to make me two because it was so delicate the first one ripped. The rhinestones were all hand applied (the white spots are rhinestone reflecting in case you couldn't tell). I couldn't afford designer dress, but I could afford a designer veil, so have always had a special love for my veil.

Yes, a fluffy wedding post that doesn't really have to do anything. Isn't it nice to dream about being a princess for awhile? If you have story about your wedding you want to share please do so in the comments. I'm definitely in a wedding mood today.

image borrowed from 2Space

Easter Redux

2011-04-27T20:47:00.004-05:00

We spent a long weekend at the in-laws for Easter this year. It was a good break from the routine. Michael had a good time and had fun visiting everyone. It rained, and rained, and rained while we were down there. It rained so much that the levees were breaking and the flooding made the national news. We didn't even stop to see DH's grandma on the way out because I didn't want to drive the car through standing water.

We actually own this field. About 1/3 of it has standing water on it.

But Easter must go on. Michael got an Easter basket from Grandma.

It stopped raining for just long enough to hunt some eggs. All the older kids took all the eggs pretty quickly and Michael didn't even have a chance to really play and have any fun with it which kinda made me a little angry.

After hunting eggs we took Michael over to look at the sheep. I was hoping to take a picture of him with one of the baby lambs but it was so muddy and yucky we didn't even try to get any closer. In fact, this was the only 'dry ground' the sheep had. Pretty much the rest of the field where these sheep are had water standing on it.

So we spent most of the visit in the house watching the animals across the road. The neighbor across the way is an animal lover and has quite an eclectic mix of animals in her pasture: cows, goats, donkeys, horses, ponies and miniature horses, and a llama. It was fun to watch the animals pass by in there respective groups. I felt bad for the llama, I think he needs a friend.

I enjoyed MIL occupying Michael most of the time we were down there. It's nice to occasionally veg on a couch without a baby fussing at your legs. Michael was pretty well behaved except at dinner out one night he wouldn't stop shoving his hands down his throat and gagging himself and ended up puking. Lovely. His sleep was fairly poor while we were down there too but I'm sure it's hard to sleep in a strange crib and we ended up doing a lot of co-sleeping.

I will say that I was not happy about a couple of things with my MIL. I don't want to get into it with this post but (1) hands should be properly washed after handling raw meat, and (2) I think she makes purposefully cutting remarks sometimes. My MIL is a very nice woman, but she seems to ignore the circumstances and say things that are inappropriate or unfair and it frustrates me. She was holding Michael on her hip showing me that she could cook like that (you know, she always took care of everything and did it with a baby on her hip because her husband was a busy man and I like my husband to watch the baby while I make dinner... so I don't burn him or anything like that). I mentioned that Michael is so heavy you can't do that for too long and he's so squirmy it's really not safe (I have world's wiggliest child, seriously, you'd have to see it to believe it, I potentially see an ADHD diagnosis in our future). After I said that to her she admitted that I was right and he was too heavy and wiggly to cook with but it was like she was saying it to one-up me in parenting. This is only one of many small slights which add up. She also asked when we were going to leave him down there alone with her. Um, considering I think he is much to young to be away from his parents for more than a night and since he's still nursing a night is really too much (he has never gone to bed without being nursed to sleep) it would not be happening for a LONG time. I really wish she would give it a rest on this. She's only been asking since he was a couple days old. It doesn't help that BIL and SIL have left their kid down there twice already for almost a week each time. I don't really understand that myself.

But not to take away too much. It was a good trip. But it was good to get home and cuddle the kitties again and sleep in my own bed too

Like clockwork

2011-04-17T06:41:00.002-05:00

It is amazing that I went from having zero periods to having periods that you could set your watch to. AF showed this morning, perfectly on time.

I'm trying not to pay that much attention to my periods right now. You know, not letting this stuff occupy too much of my life. Other than the horrible mood swings there are a few signs that let me know what's going on so that I don't have to use too much brain power to figure this out.

Fertile CM is a good indicator of impending ovulation but didn't show this cycle. A more sure fire sign that I ovulated is that Michael starts biting me. He sinks his teeth in anywhere he can (except my breasts, thankfully) and it drives me nuts (and hurts). It's because my milk supply decreases and he gets hungry and starts biting. He is doing well with a sippy cup and cow's milk now, so it's not too bad anymore. I wonder if next cycle we will even have the biting issues since he's taking so much cow's milk now.

I get pretty tired right before my period too. It wasn't as bad this month as last. Last month I felt like I could have slept all day long.

Acne is sometimes a sign too. This month was better than last month as well. Last month I didn't want to leave the house I felt so ugly. This month wasn't too bad except that I got one of those deep, painful zits on my upper lip the other day. I didn't think much of it except it was so bad that it actually gave me a BIG fat lip! I woke up looking like half of my upper lip was stolen from Meg Ryan. Yes, it was ghastly. I used some Tuck's pads* (witch hazel) on it through the day to reduce the swelling and I didn't look too much like a freak by the end of the day.

So now it begins again. I have to enjoy the next two weeks because once I ovulate and the progesterone kicks in bad things are in store. Hopefully now that I'm more confident in the length of my cycle and aware of my issues I will do better this month.

*Ok, so I have a big thing of Tuck's Pads. After giving birth they gave me a giant bag of pads for the bleeding and in there was a big thing of Tucks. I didn't know what to do with it. I thought they were just for hemorrhoids. But here's what you may not know about giving birth (vaginally). If the baby comes slowly and stretches you appropriately, you don't feel it too badly because the stretching numbs your lady parts. After giving birth I was all numb and swollen for about a day... it is a lot of trauma down there after all. That's why they give you the Pads, but I was too dumb to realize it. But I saved them anyways. The witch hazel in them can be used as astringent and they work great for those deep, painful zits by helping to kill the zit and reducing the swelling and pain.

Trying to figure it out

2011-04-14T21:16:00.005-05:00

I always have a theory about what's going on with me but I'm never really sure. I've had 2 periods since having Michael and they have been absolutely perfect cycles (for me). 15 day follicular phase, 16 day luteal phase. Like clockwork so far. This cycle has been more ambiguous in that the signs have been less obvious, but I think things have been following the same pattern. And if this cycle plays out like the others I think AF is due on Sunday.

So on to my theory. Me and Michael had a horrible day today. It was a lovely day and Michael was actually pretty good except that he would not take a nap. He's been napping great and actually on a schedule for the first time in his whole life for the last 2 weeks. It wouldn't have been such a big deal except that I just could not handle it today. I needed him to nap so badly. I needed a nap just as badly. Instead he screamed every time I left the room, puked, screamed more.

I called my husband and told him he needed to come home on time tonight for sure. I was having dark thoughts.

He got home and I went to the bedroom and closed the door and tried to sleep (in vain).

I'm at a bit of a loss for what my problem was today, but I can't help but wonder if it isn't PMS related. If my period comes this weekend it will provide some reinforcement of this.

But since I lost my job I've have a hard time. And I haven't understood it at all. I don't miss my job. Getting fired was one of the best days of my life. I have never felt so stupid and insignificant as I did there and I do not miss it. And sure, life as a SAHM is not all roses, but I just really haven't understood why I'm having such a hard time.

I've always had an anxiety issue but since losing my job I've been depressed, and that's nothing I should be depressed about. I'm not trying to lie to myself, sure I have some daemons from my job to deal with, but I'm really not upset that I'm not working right now.

I've been second guessing myself that maybe I have PPD. After Michael was born I was so happy. I would hold him and tear up that I could not believe how lucky I was. I didn't even have the baby blues. Now, I won't deny the anxiety was flaring like mad, but I was very happy. So the thought that I'm having some kind of depression due to giving birth after a year seems a little off. Although I don't know much about PPD, but my gut has been telling me that this is not that.

I had set up counseling to help me deal with the anxiety and deal with the work bullshit last year, but have only made it to one counseling session because difficulty getting in to see someone. I don't have my next appointment for another week, but things got bad enough the other week that I visited the nurse practitioner (McSoothy was delivering a baby or something) and got a prescription of Zoloft. I didn't want to take antidepressants but as a child growing up with a mother that would not help herself, I did not want Michael to grow up with that. I don't want to harm him in the ways my mother has harmed me. So I'm resolved to helping myself.

I've never taken antidepressants before and Zoloft is supposed to be a first choice when breastfeeding. And within a couple of hours of my first pill my mind quieted. For the first time in a long time the anxiety was not eating away at my brain. I won't say that I felt "good" but definitely more peaceful. I was kinda "tuned out" and that felt good. I slept better at night. Stuff didn't bother me as much during the day. I was a satisfied customer for the most part. Until today.

Today was awful. Again, I don't know what my problem was but it was bad. So bad that I decided to take a second Zoloft (and I don't disobey prescriptions ever). But it's like the Zoloft could barely touch what ever was up with me.

So, putting the few pieces together, I think I may have PMDD.

As a person with PCOS and anovulation, until TTC I'd almost never had a period in my life. And I took the pill and skipped my periods for years (which is a recommended treatment for PMDD) which might also explain why I've never noticed this before. And I kept blaming this depression on losing my job and becoming a SAHM when I might have been missing that my cycle came back at pretty much the EXACT same time.

And going back to my mom, she is mentally unwell and and perpetually bitches about her periods. I swear the woman has been going though menopause for the last 15 years. She took estrogen for a short while several years ago (also a PMDD treatment) and it made a world of difference for her. It caused her to have breast tenderness and she quit and went back to her old self, sadly. But if she has it I'm wondering if this is another clue that it's my problem too. And although I was sad to see her go off the estrogen it was shown later that HRT has a lot of bad side effects and I'll note that my mom actually had a breast cancer tumor removed just last month. (Yeah, my mom had breast cancer but its not a typical kind and weird to explain, so I'm not going to unless it becomes relevant.)

So this is what I have been dealing with lately. I hope that I'm right and can learn to deal/treat this more effectively. If my period doesn't come then maybe I'm just run of the mill crazy. So not having periods means I'm infertile and broken and having them might mean that I'm depressed and broken. I hate feeling like I'm broken all the time.

Mastitis... again

2011-04-06T20:32:00.003-05:00

We interrupt this radio silence to whine about mastitis... again.

For the record, this is the 4th time I've had it (in both breasts right after giving birth and 3 times on the right side now... twice since he turned a year old). I mean, seriously, WTF!? It just doesn't seem like I should be having this problem still. And it was rather nasty today. My breast was hurting pretty badly but I was in denial still and then I was achy all over for awhile and barely able to take care of Michael because I just hurt all over and wanted to sleep. Things got better in the afternoon (after we both took a little nap). My boob still hurts, but hopefully it will clear soon. I'm going to avoid antibiotics unless things get worse.

---

And in another episode of WTF!? I got sample of Cover Girl's NatureLuxe Foundation. I haven't tried it yet because I'm sure the sample I got is too dark for my skintone, but as I was looking at the skintone options I noticed that the darkest shade (for African American skin) was called "Brazilnut". Perhaps this is only something that the racist people around here say (and oh yes, they do say it, even when you ask them not to), but the slang term for a brazilnut is EXTREMELY RACIST and I'm kinda shocked that CG would pick something that could potentially offend so many people. Really. WTF!?

Quiet

2011-03-25T22:08:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking about what I should write here after my little break. Some kind of explanation. Well here it is.

I'm not sure what I've been feeling lately. I just haven't been able to process things very well. I think I'm caught in some kind of in between land. I can't explain it much better than that.

I'm struggling with two things in particular: (1) being the parent I want to be and (2) what to do with this blog.

This community is filled with awesome parents. I'd like to sit down in the kitchen of some of these women and just observe them interacting with their children. The superhuman parenting skills of some of these women make me feel like a complete failure. DH had to go out of town for work a couple of weeks ago. By Friday afternoon I was on the phone screaming for him to come home completely unsure of how I could get through even the next few hours. Low point. It was then that I realized I could no longer deny how unhappy I was.

Which also led the the issue of this blog. A place I used to draw a lot of happiness from. I really enjoyed Mel's post the other week about needing your space. And I realized that I don't need this space anymore... at least not the same way I needed this space a couple of years ago. Blogging used to help me help myself, but now I'm not usually even sure what I want to write about. I haven't been contemplating quitting blogging, but I need to realize why I blog again and I'm still working on that.

So I took a little break. I'm still not fully back. Somehow, even though I'm not working anymore I have even less time to myself and I need to rest head a little more. I also need to create more. I'm just the kind of person that needs to be inspired and create regularly... even if I don't finish the project, just doing something is important for me to be happy. So I've used some of my free time working on little projects.

So I'm on a bit of a self discovery right now. I would like to try to post more about this and I will, when I can because the blog is definitely taking a back seat for awhile.

Michael... he's not striking a pose, he's just not too good at walking still and it looks funny. But he is modeling the linen pants I made him. I think I know why they don't make linen pants for toddlers now.

Taking a break for awhile

2011-03-11T20:15:00.001-06:00

Not sure how long.

Getting There

2011-03-04T21:25:00.002-06:00

Michael has been taking his time on this whole walking thing... which I am fine with for the most part. It would be nice if he was walking by the time the weather gets nice so that we can enjoy the outdoors more. Otherwise I figure that he will just be able to get into more things once he can walk, so no need to rush that.

But I do get a little insecure about milestones. I don't want to push but I breathe a sigh of relief when each one has been met. I suppose that's normal. I think he's been making normal progress but in the back of my mind there is a little, irrational, panicking Amanda worried that her baby will never walk. I talked to one of my neighbors the other day that said her son didn't walk to 15 months. I asked her if she got a little worried when that was going on and she did, but it was all for nothing of course.

We have had a couple of nicer days lately and I've put Michael's shoes on him-- backwards. Whoops! Then I realize what a moron I am fix them, and then take him outside to walk holding my hands. At first the novelty of being outside was entertaining enough. But now wants to explore more. Other people's houses. The road. Bugs. A skid steer. Mud. He tried to eat a nice clod of mud for the first time the other day.

But all the practice is paying off because today I let him go next to his changer and he took A step and grabbed onto it.

I reported this achievement to DH this evening who then promptly let go of Michael and the kid walked 3 steps for him. So then we tried to get him to practice waking between us a couple of times and he did a pretty good job. It's a little more "controlled falling" at this time than walking, but he's definitely getting there. He won't be a steady walker for a little longer, but it's coming along.

I'm pretty excited. I just wanted to share.

New Sign: Hurts

2011-03-01T20:36:00.004-06:00

Before getting into this post, two things... First, my Internet on my laptop is not working. I don' t have a clue what the problem is. The wifi is fine and I have reinstalled the network adapter several times. I'm wondering if the network adapter could be shot? If anyone has any ideas please let me know. I'm typing on my iPod, so please excuse the lack of proof reading.

Secondly, we are on day six of string watch and still no sign. Whatever happened to that balloon string, it's not bothering either of the cats.

So onto the current issue. Michael is a very physical baby. He's really strong and he's a biter and a pincer and scratcher and slapper. Some days I just feel so beaten up by him and it's very hard.

So I decided to teach him the sign for "hurt". And he picked it up right away. Faster than he's ever picked up any sign. He would pinch me and I would say "owe, that hurts mommy" and do the sign. I'd only done it a couple of times and the he pinched me again later and I said "owe" and he made the sign out of nowhere. I was surprised but excited that he made the sign and praised him for the sign.

Well, I think he thinks it's a game now because it seems like he's trying to cause me pain just so that he can do the sign. I'm impressed that he's gotten the sign so quickly and he looks so cute doing it, but he isn't getting what I'm trying to teach him if he is purposefully hurting me. I wondered if he understood the sign at all.

So earlier today I had been struggling with Michael to take a nap and he was fighting it with all his might. I had him on the changing table and he was tired and fussy and did the hurt sign out of the blue. So then I didn't know if he got it and actually did hurt or if he was just doing the sign. I erred on the side of him actually being in pain and coddled him... he was tired and fussy so it seemed appropriate anyhow.

So I don't know what to think about his hurt signing. I think he's getting it but i just can't be sure.

And his napping has been in the toilet. If I were that tired I probably wouldn't feel too good either. Oh, I am that tired and I don't feel good, nevermind.

$3,000 Balloon?

2011-02-25T20:54:00.004-06:00

One of the grocery stores around here gives free balloons to children if you ask. This is great because Michael is a freak when he sees balloons and throws a giant fit because I won't buy them for him. So it's so great they they give them away (it's our Gerbes, which is the local Kroger chain, FYI) otherwise grocery shopping would be ugly.

So we went shopping on Tuesday. Michael got a blue balloon as seen here.

Tuesday was such a lovely day. Michael napped great. He was happily playing with the buttons on the washing machine when I took the picture. I was totally in the moment watching Michael delight with the chime of every button. A few minutes later Daddy got home and walked in the door just behind Michael. We were all so happy. That seemed like the best day ever.

Then the next day... Michael was trying to conquer sleep again and I was doing my best to get him down. I heard the cats playing in the living rooms as I nursed Michael in his room, no big deal. I finally got Michael down and left (this is at least an hour long activity). I found the balloon on the floor, but the bottom half of the ribbon and clip were gone. I immediately tried to find the other half. I found it in the next room, but about 2 feet worth of ribbon was missing. Shit. Neither cat showed signs of guilt, but I'm almost sure Ambrosia was the culprit. I couldn't do anything be feel a lump slowly go down my own throat.

Then Michael woke up (after being down for ~15 minutes) so I went to deal with him completely unsure of what to do. I honestly don't know what the time line was, but it was probably 2 hours between the cats attacking the balloon and me calling the vet.

Since it had been more than an hour he didn't think making her vomit would be useful. He offered preemptive surgery but recommended 'wait and see'. I think that is the best approach because I can't be 100% that Ambrosia ate it. And she could pass it just fine. Or not.

I decided to try the puke method anyhow. That was useless.

So I've been in a state of miserable guilt for the last couple days. It's my fault, I left the balloon out. I make sure they can't get stuff like that if we are leaving the house but I didn't put it up while I was trying to take care of Michael in the next room. And Ambrosia is notorious for trying to eat inedible things, so I should have known.

I hope, upon hopes, that it passes easily (assuming that it was eaten). So far I've not seen any signs of an issue, but we still haven't seen it exit either of them. I check each cat every couple of hours by picking them up and pressing their tummies and checking for signs of discomfort. So far nothing. They were allowed to stay upstairs with us the last 2 nights, but I think we will put them back downstairs tonight so they don't get too accustomed to staying up.

So we are still waiting and seeing.

A friend of mine had to have exploratory surgery done on her cat. It cost her $3,000 (turns out the cat swallowed several hair elastics). I sure hope that if we do have to do surgery it comes in cheaper than that, but I'm sure it will be expensive no matter what. If we get though this I might consider buying some pet insurance.

Here are the two little furballs cuddling minutes ago in Muffy's old basket. Currently Ambrosia is attacking me with her overly aggressive cuddling (very normal).

I'm such a dumbass.

Michael, Conqueror of Sleep

2011-02-20T20:39:00.002-06:00

I was going to write a post about getting locked out on the deck today with Michael (the door knob broke) and implementing important survival skills like how to skin a cat and diaper a baby with the pelt, but I'm pooped.

Michael has been on a war path with sleep all week. I think he's teething. He has a slight fever. He's been waking up at night all week and refusing to nap all day. It came to a head today.

I knew that Michael was not going to go to bed tonight.

After thoroughly nursing, Michael decided that I would make a good jungle gym. I had it at that point. I don't mind spending almost an hour every night nursing him to sleep, but I ain't a pacifier and I ain't a jungle gym.

I tucked him in and left. Hysterics ensued. Came back in 3 minutes and tucked him in again (he was standing at the end of the crib). Hysteria. Vomiting.

Michael vomits at the drop of a hat. He is an expert puker. We hadn't been going at this for 5 minutes yet when he puked. But lucky us, he was standing at the end of the crib and puked out on the carpet. Better on the carpet than in the crib.

I came back in and tucked him in again. I came in one more time to do it and he was out about 30 seconds after I left the room. It took about 10 minutes all together.

Do I hate that it had to get to this point? Yes, very much. Do I feel bad that he puked? God yes, horrible. Did he need to f-ing go to sleep? YES. Have I been trying nicely to get him to sleep all day? GOD YES.

Some days I feel like such an awful parent. Some days I know that others judging from the outside would think I am an awful parent too. Well, good for them, I'm glad that they think they can do it so much better than me. I suck, you are superior, you win, here's your medal. My kid sleeping is my medal.

I just hope he makes it through the night. I can dream, can't I?

Happy Valentine's Day to ME

2011-02-14T12:12:00.002-06:00

Well, tonight is not going to be the Valentine's Day night that I had planned.

You could have knocked me over with a feather this morning when I saw that after a year and 2 weeks of postpartum bliss, my period came back. I believe my exact words were, "What the hell is that?"

Although I doubted that she would be returning on her own I shouldn't be so surprised. All the signs were there, but I've had those signs a lot since giving birth and if I had a nickel for every time I thought I was going to get my period by now I could get oatmeal cream pie from a vending machine.

There was some nostalgia for the TTC days as I dug under the sink to retrieve my feminine protection. But we definitely do not plan on TTCing again for awhile... like a year at least. But I am glad that she came back on her own because I will be due for my yearly soon and I really didn't want to have to get a prescription to induce a period.

Any guesses to how long my cycle will be? I've always had a long luteal phase, so maybe 30 days... or maybe 6 months. Whatever at this point.

Mama Drama

2011-02-09T18:51:00.003-06:00

I have been agonizing on posting again, hence the silence. I haven't been able to think of anything coherent to post about and then I resolved earlier today to just pick something and go with it. Then my problem solved itself with some mama drama. My mother more specifically.

Against my better judgement I asked my mother to come up and watch Michael for the day. I wouldn't have but I was going to have to do something all day for unemployment and DH couldn't take off. So with my other MIL 4 hours away under a layer of ice I asked my mom to come. But she was so good at his birthday the other day that I thought maybe we were turning a corner. Wrong. (stupid, stupid amanda)

She came up last night because we were expecting more snow. Last night was fine. Michael had some gas and was a little extra clingy because it woke him up from his nap and he was tired, but otherwise it was fine. She brought him a teddy bear. He loved it.

This morning was pretty good. I was a little annoyed when Michael woke up a 5:15am (like normal) and while I was going to the bathroom before getting him my mom got him out of the crib. No big deal, except she didn't turn off his crib motion monitor and set it off scaring him and sending ripples through the whole house before the crack of dawn. But once that was taken care of things were fine. I got Michael to nurse and he actually went down for a nap just before I left (perfect timing!).

Then I found out the thing I was going to should only take a couple of hours and I wouldn't be there all day. Then it only actually only took a half hour. I talked to the guy there for a while and that was interesting. Then I got home and he'd only been awake for about 15 minutes.

Since it was snowing and she'd come all the way to help I insisted that she stay as long as she wanted and she could even stay the night if she didn't want to drive home but around lunch time the snow was stopping and she was saying that she'd thought that she would leave. I asked her to eat before she left to give the road crews a little more time to work. And we had a lovely lunch while Michael gave us flirty eyes and at some cut up grapes.

Then we were playing with Michael on the floor and he was banging the stick and wood block from his birthday gift and my mom was going on about what a smart baby he is. My kid can bang two objects together, he is obviously a genius! But then she made a mention about my (2 year old) nephew being stupid. I defended the poor kid. I don't think he's dumb. He was slow to talk and is getting some speech therapy (and is showing a lot of improvement already). That doesn't make a kid dumb. Whose to say that Michael won't need speech?

But that was just her jumping off point to bitch about my SIL. My mom has hated my SIL since the great Christmas incident of 2009. Then she went from my SIL to my sister throwing me under the bus somewhere in there too. Yelling, crying and cussing. (Yes, dropping the F-bomb in front of Michael.) All of it everyone else's fault. She has never done anything wrong to anyone. And I should 'just wait until Michael does something like that to hurt me!' Ok crazy bitch. Just Start digging your own grave if you think I will put up with that crap from you.

I found out she basically picked a fight with my sister at Michael's birthday party too. I figured she had when my sister came up to me and was leaving all of a sudden, but knowing the deep level of dysfunction within my family I didn't even bother asking. It was nice to have that confirmed. But my mom basically got mad at me (sobbing and angry with me) for inviting people that would ruin her time with her grandson. Um, no. I laid it down right there. I'm not going to 'not invite' a family member just because you don't want me to (because you can't resist picking a fight).

The whole thing was just a ridiculous spectacle, like all of my fights with my mother. If I had been anywhere other than my own house I would have taken Michael and left but I wasn't going to leave my own home. I couldn't very well kick her out so I just held my tongue (for the most part) and played with Michael.

If she wants to talk to me like that, fine. But she is not allowed to do that in front of Michael. I really want to cut her out of our life but there are so many complicated emotions that I can't really see myself doing it. And what if I needed her in an emergency? I'm too pragmatic for my own good sometimes. I've got some shit to sort through.

And we'll be seeing her Friday because we agreed to visit my Grandma at the nursing home for their Valentine's day dinner. Joy. I would renege but my Grandma is doing pretty badly and I do think it's important to see her.

Also... feel very strongly that her presence and the anxiety (not to mention the yelling) caused Michael to go on a what appears to have been a very short lived nursing strike. I don't want to go into the details of what the issues were today because that's a post in itself, but thankfully he allowed me to nurse him to sleep like normal. Now I'm debating whether I should still pump my partially engorged breast. I hate pumping.

Blizzard

2011-02-01T13:50:00.004-06:00

Just waiting out this blizzard.

(You can barely see the snowman from my last post in the front yead.)

I have a One Year Old

2011-01-30T20:51:00.005-06:00

I have been super busy all week getting ready for Michael's party, which we had yesterday. We cleaned, made decorations, decorated, prepared food, it seemed like the work would never end.

I never blogged about Michael's baptism, but it really was an awful experience. Michael was only six weeks old and I was still extremely sleep deprived. We had to do it then or he was going to out grow the family heirloom baptismal gown. Michael screamed through the whole service. When we got back to the house DH's relatives jumped into help, but there were really too many people and I couldn't direct everyone and take care of an upset baby too. Things got missed (and we used catering to make our lives easier but it was still a lot of work). I spent most of the party nursing Michael or holding him while he slept. I only made it out to the garage where everyone was at the end of the party and was shocked to see how dim it was out there since half the lights were off. And I never even got a close up picture of him in his gown. It just was not an experience I want to relive.

So my goal with this party was to enjoy myself and my baby. My first idea was to trim the number of guests. I wanted to limit the guests to grandparents and siblings (still about 20 people) but DH would not have it and we had to invite almost everyone, which was about 40 people. Our house cannot hold this many people so we have to use the garage to fit everyone, and the garage in January is not such a great idea.

But though many, many hours of work everything came together. We've been cleaning the house in sections for the last two weeks. I've been making decorations since Christmas was over. We made chili, hot dogs, salad, and corn bread for the meal. Everyone said the food was good and we've never even made meat chili before so I'm so glad that it turned out well (and the picky eaters devoured the hot dogs too). By shear luck, we picked a lovely day (cause today was not so lovely). My parents came up a few hours early to watch Michael while we got things ready but the kid napped like a champ so they helped out instead. And they were actually very helpful and there was no drama which was nice.

The one thing I would do differently if I did it again would be to start the party later. We put 11am on the invitations and that was perfect, but people, lots of people, showed up a half hour early. Other than that it was perfect.

Michael woke up for his nap just before 11am (right on time) and was a little freaked out by everyone at first but he warmed up to everyone after lunch and had a great time. He let the grandparents hold him a lot and that was nice to give me a break and do some important things. He got a lot of good gifts. Some of them we put up to bring out later.

I didn't really have a schedule or end time planned out but I didn't need to. The party moved itself along really well and everyone started dispersing around 2 and was cleared out by 3. And the mess wasn't too bad so picking up hasn't been too hard.

So my goal was to enjoy myself and my baby and I felt really good at the end of the day like I had gotten what I wanted and everyone had a good time.

Pictures!

We decorated the garage and tried to make it less "garage-y" and covered the garage doors. We didn't have a real theme. It was kinda just a continuation of his bedroom really.

I printed all of these pictures and asked my dad to cut them out and hang them up and this is what I got. Oh well. At least they're up.

I hung a line of baby clothes from newborn though current (24 months) so show a little of his phenomenal growth. I had a lot of fun going though all his clothes.

More bunting in the house.

MIL made the big cake.

I made the smash cake, but don't be too impressed because I had the topper made by Cakes and Kids.

He wanted that cake!

He made a nice mess but didn't seem to understand to try to eat it. We tried to get him to eat a little but he just didn't want to.

Crawling through the presents.

Opening the presents.

MIL and FIL got him a very nice pedal tractor. It's a good heavy metal one even though it's the wrong color (although at least it isn't green). He looked so cute on it and looked like he knew what he was doing but he can't even reach the pedals yet.

It was so nice all the cousins went out in the front yard and made snowmen out of the left over snow. Snow is the best when you can wear a t-shirt while playing in it.

Well, that's about it. One year down. A lifetime to go.

(It's late, I'm tired. No proof reading until tomorrow.)

Paradigm Shift

2011-01-25T16:43:00.002-06:00

The mindset I have today as a SAHM versus the mindset I had a couple weeks ago as full-time, working parent is vastly different.

When I was working I was always kinda freaking out in my head. Oh no, the baby woke up again, I'll never get enough sleep and they'll fire me. Or Oh no, he had a bad day at daycare, I'm such a bad mother. I felt like I sucked at work and parenting and I'm pretty sure that I was doing a good job at both, all things considered.

But from the moment Michael was born there was this feeling I had that I had to get him doing things so that he/I would be prepared for my return to work. I feel like I missed enjoying my maternity leave because I was focused getting him to nap in his crib (instead of on me) or something else like that.

But now it's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can breathe again.

He woke up at 4:30 the other morning and I enjoyed sleeping in the chair with him all morning rather than praying that he would let me put him back in his crib so that I could catch a few minutes of sleep before having to get up at 5:30.

Middle of the night waking? Ok, still not always enjoyed, but at least I don't have to get up in a couple of hours and get ready for work.

I had been having a lot of issues with thoughts on weaning lately. With Michael turning a year I figure that my work would not be so open minded about me continuing to pump. And honestly, I would have loved to be done pumping but Michael is no where ready to wean. I'm also a big fan of extended breastfeeding and I was hoping to keep it up for quite a while longer. I'm really glad that's not running around in the back of my mind causing more anxiety any longer. And now I get to breastfeed and I don't have to pump which my breasts greatly appreciate. I really don't know how exclusive pumpers do it.

And Michael has got a bit of a cough and it's a little nasty sounding. I will be keeping him home tomorrow. If I were working DH and I would be discussing our work schedules for tomorrow and playing ro sham bo to determine who has to stay home with him. I, of course, would be wanting to stay home with him but feeling this nasty pressure from work to come no matter how much Michael needs me. Did you know that every time I took off to take care of Michael my manager would question me about it? He would act like he was concerned, but it was always creepy the way he asked and it really seemed to be more for him to judge whether the reason I was taking off was 'worthy' or not. That was some bullshit. Now I can stay home and enjoy spoiling him a little extra without wondering what my creepy boss would think.

And I have time to create again. I was so pressed for time before I was just bursting with this desire to make things but never anytime to do it which was very frustrating. And now I'm busy at it getting ready for his party. I'm probably going to be a little burnt out after the party is over, but I'm really enjoying it right now. Now I can let my desire to create grow rather than trying to kill it all the time. I made some simple appliquéd shirts (my first go at appliqué ever) tonight for his birthday party. I will always have those to remember that day. Before I would have just wished that I had something sentimental like that.

And this is going to sound weird, but I really held back when I played with Michael. I just didn't do a lot of things with him because I (a) didn't really spend that much time with him so I didn't have to try that hard and (b) I was sometimes afraid of really getting into play with him. Like I wouldn't rough house with Michael because I was worried that he might puke at night and that might upset his night and cause him to wake more (causing me to wake) and I just didn't want to risk it. I know it sounds weird/bad, but it was a practical concern. Now I'm teaching him to do flips and I've be hoisting him up on my legs for fun. Small things, but something I wouldn't let us enjoy before.

These are just some of the good changes so far. I'm sure more will come.

Snow Day

2011-01-20T20:07:00.002-06:00

Whether I was still working or not I would have been home today because we got about 9 inches of snow last night (that's practically Armageddon around here) and daycare was closed today and DH had to go to work so I would have been home with Michael anyhow.

Because I have to give daycare two weeks notice before taking Michael out I still have it for this week and next and I've been using it. Truly, the only sadness I feel about not working is taking the benefits daycare away from Michael. I love taking care of my baby but I also feel that daycare has a lot of pros, particularly socialization (and some definite cons too in case that wasn't clear already).

So while I still have daycare our schedule has been to play at home in the morning until ~9am and then Michael goes down for his morning nap. He's been sleeping for 1.5-2 hours everyday, and it is glorious. Then he wakes up, nurses, and we get ready and leave so that he's getting to daycare just in time for lunch. I run around and do errands and pick him back up around 2:30 and take him home for his afternoon nap which is about an hour. Then we play until Daddy gets home. So Michael gets time with Mommy, 3 (glorious) hours of naps, and socialization at daycare. Yes, this might be the most perfect schedule ever... if only it could last.

But today, of all days, I actually needed to take him to daycare and it was closed. I was trying to help myself by scheduling a counseling session to deal with some of the work ~~stuff~~ bullshit using our Employee Assistance Program. I made the appointment months ago, but it just takes that long to get in. Well, it's kinda moot at this point, obviously, but I still think I could benefit from some counseling and my EAP runs through the end of the month so I figured that I might as well take advantage of it but since I couldn't drop Michael anywhere I had to cancel. I think today might have been an irony and bad luck 'lasagna'.

DH and I discussed whether we wanted to reschedule it or not. Luckily a law passed last year (this was a state law I believe, it didn't have anything to do with the federal health care overhaul) that mental health services had to be covered by insurance companies like any medical health issue so I can still go without my EAP for the cost of my copay which is a great deal compared to the benefits that I used to have (none). So I rescheduled and DH will stay home and watch Michael that morning for me. The only downside is that the next available appointment wasn't until March.

So today was my first real SAHM day and it went pretty well. I'm really rediscovering my baby and getting to enjoy him in ways I really haven't ever. There has been an paradigm shift in how I interact with Michael since our time together has been completely redefined. Michael's happier, I'm happier, DH is happier, the kitties are happier (they don't have to go to the basement during the day). Life is still busy and I still feel like I need to sleep for a week straight, but things are better around here.

SAHM

2011-01-14T11:07:00.002-06:00

Well folks, it finally happened, just like I thought it would.

I feel a mix of emotions right now. I certainly do not miss my job, but I will miss the money. We'll be ok, but things are going to be tight, very tight.

The only thing that really makes me sad about leaving is that Michael enjoyed daycare. Sure, some teachers there were not so great and he had a really hard time adjusting, but otherwise, these days, he was really loving it. I could go and put him down on the floor and he would immediately crawl to his favorite teacher and she would scoop him up. He loved the toys and had little friends, and in that way I feel like I'm taking something from him. Of course, on the flip side, he gets to spend more time with Mommy, and that's definitely a good thing.

I have fantasized for a long time as to what being a SAHM would be like. I had visions of play dates and going to the library and meeting Daddy for lunch, and walks and trips to the park. All those things will happen and are very good things.

But, I'm a little afraid that I might go nuts. I've long thought if I ended up here we need to get organized about this and come up with lesson plans and a good schedule to keep both of us occupied. I'm not sure where to start, but it won't be today because today I just need sometime to cuddle and enjoy my baby and kitties.

So, if the SAHMs could, what advice do you have keeping busy and staying away from boredom?

Signs

2011-01-11T20:23:00.007-06:00

Before I had a baby I always thought I'd enjoy the cuddly newborn phase the most but now I think I'm liking this one the best. I love to see his little butt wiggle as he crawls across the floor. He's just starting to learn to dance and it's cute. The expressions are so innocent. And when I do hold him he's not constantly wiggling so he's actually more cuddly in a way. And books! He just loves to have stories read to him (more cuddle time!).

And so many things are happening so fast these days. Just after writing the post the other day about his first words he decided to show off a little more.

Last night he immediately got fussy at dinner. I thought he wanted cheese and was telling him that he had to eat his sweet potatoes first and then he did a funny little sign that looked kinda like milk but his hand was right next to his mouth. I'd seen him do it once before and I said, "No, no milk now." But he fussed more and did it again.

Then it hit me, "Oh, you want juice." That was his interpretation of juice. We put some juice water in a cup and instant happiness.

That was just so awesome to see him do that. I get more excited about new signs than words.

He's not a baby sign language prodigy or anything, but he's making progress. Most signs we've had to work for a long time to get him to pick up. But we really just started using juice so I was pretty surprised. His sign list now includes milk, more, all done, eat, and juice. We do mommy, daddy, and kitty for him too, but we aren't consistent enough with them yet for him to pick them up. We just started cheese. I think he might be motivated to pick that one up quickly.

We've also been doing no a lot lately. It's such an easy sign to use and he totally understands it! He's testing boundaries a lot now and we use it quite a bit but he's pretty good natured and stops doing whatever he's doing when we use it. We tell him no when he's shaking his sippy cup all over, trying to pull the night light out of the socket, and trying to mouth the cat toys (oy... the cats are trying to corrupt him).

I'm pretty pleased with the baby sign language. It's really pretty easy to learn a couple of signs and it helps him communicate with us. I hope we are able to keep expanding.

And on the verbal stuff, after dinner last night we said and signed "all done" to him and he said back, "Not done." Me and DH both looked at each other to make sure we both heard that right.

First Words

2011-01-07T21:14:00.005-06:00

I don't really know a lot about kids. Parenting really has been a completely new experience for me. One of the things that surprised me the most is how gradually milestones happen (at least in my experience). Learning to do something new takes a long time and there is a lot of "kinda" and "does that count?" when it comes to marking when we hit a new milestone.

So I have no idea what to count as Michael's first word. I'm not even sure if he's said it yet.

So what counts as the first word anyhow? I was hoping for 'a word spoken in clearish language and used appropriately.'

So he started around 6 months saying "dadada" but not "dada". And since then he's said a lot of da's but I don't think he's ever really said "dada" with meaning.

Well how about "mama"? He's said "mama" clear as day but he didn't really say it to me directly. And he will whine "iwantmama" still, but again I don't know if he knows what he's saying exactly... I can't imagine that an 11 month old can use 3 word phrases with verbs and personal pronouns and such.

He was saying "bye-bye" the other day and waving (which is pretty cool!) but his bye-bye's sound more like "dye-dye" because he's really good at the "d" sounds and not so good at the others. He has also said "kitty" but it sounds like "ditty" (which I think is pretty cute).

The one thing he says that I should probably count, if anything, is "all done". It started sounding like "ah da" but now days he says it somewhat clearly. Could his first word actually be a two-word phrase? We sign all done after meals and he says it back to us (but only sometimes signs it) and has been doing that one for several months actually. The way he uses it and repeats it back to us is pretty undeniable but it seems like a pretty weird first word.

He's to the point now that he talks to us in his own little language of dah's and doo's. It's just absolutely delightful. Well, delightful until he throws in an angry scream because you wouldn't let him chew on nail clippers or whatever.

So I'll say...

First accidental word: Dada
First clearly spoken word: Mama
Worst word with clear meaning: All Done

What do you think? What would you count as the first word? Should I hold out for "Mommy"?

---

Michael went back to the ENT for his ear recheck since getting tubes. Getting the tubes did seem to speed up his babbling, a lot, and we are pretty pleased. They redid his hearing test and it was so much more fun to see him responding to the sounds (the first test he just kinda sat there not hearing too much). I knew he was doing better during the testing and I was so proud of him, it was just kinda cool. He can now hear down to 10dB (they want 15dB or less). Before the tubes it was 25dB, so definite improvement.

Still here

2010-12-31T19:47:00.005-06:00

I am so wiped lately. I have wanted to post so about so many things... Christmas, crafts, Michael turning 11 months, and more, but I'm just wiped.

So very quickly:

Christmas went really well and no one got sick! A Christmas miracle!

After coming back from Christmas Michael finally started sleeping through the night again (well, a down at 7, a dream feeding at 10:30 and then up around 5 am... so I'm still only getting about 6 hours in a row, but that's better than waking up 7 times a night). Another Christmas miracle!

Michael cut another tooth and because of the ear tubes we didn't have to put up with an ear infection this time. ~~A Christmas~~ An ENT miracle! (Although he did bite a bunch of kids at daycare while it was coming in. Oh well, it keeps the daycare staff on their toes.)

I turned 28 the other day and I was amazed at how many people wished me happy birthday. I pretty much get forgotten and I'm ok with that, but it was nice to hear from so many people this year.

Michael turned 11 months and is doing so great. It was fun to see him interacting with his cousin at Christmas too. When they sit together you can't tell that one is 6 months older than the other... then the cousin gets up and walks and it's pretty obvious. But Michael is walking with the walker we got him for Christmas. I don't think he'll be walking on his own by his birthday, but soon enough. I'm not worried, once he's walking it will just be harder to keep him out of stuff anyways.

I need to send out birthday invites. I'm such a slacker. And I'm not really looking forward to the party either because my house is going to be so crowded and we already got so many toys for Christmas that we really don't need more for awhile.

I need to email and catch up with so many people that it's daunting. Can I keep hiding and pretend that I'm just so busy with the holidays for another 6 months?

Michael loves cheese! We have a CHEESE MONSTER!

The project that has been killing me at work is finally done. I have always felt that they were just keeping me around until that project was finished and then they would get rid of me. We shall see. At least I won't be bringing home work every night and pulling all nighters again for awhile. (Yes, when the baby wasn't keeping me up, work was... try pulling an all nighter without coffee, it's not so easy.)

I'm so sad for Jen. I cuddled Michael a little extra last night after reading that.

The 2 best things about 2011 that I'm looking forward to is (1) getting vacation and sick leave again!!! And (2) tax returns!!!

I'm totally wiped. I've been tired a lot all year but I'm just wiped right now. After I put Michael to bed I lay down on the couch and can't even wake up to eat dinner. I guess things are just catching up to me.

Some pictures!

Cruising at Christmas

Trying to get a picture of Michael and his betrothed. We are still negotiating how many goats her father must pay us.

The Cheese Monster!

The picture I'm using for the birthday invitations. I wanted it to look rustic. My printer prints kinda dark too, so it's not that washed out in person.

Santa's list

2010-12-24T09:58:00.002-06:00

It's been a long week with a thousand things we needed to get checked off the list. But after all that work we made it to the inlaws and are ready for Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

Hero

2010-12-17T18:33:00.004-06:00

Have you ever been asked who your hero is? Probably as a kid you wrote an essay or something. I know that I had that assignment several times and I honestly never could think of a good answer.

I can think of a lot of good people. A lot of excellent role models. And there are plenty of undeniable heroes out there-people that have saved lives, soldiers serving to protect our freedoms, historical figures that did something great.

Despite a vast pool of acceptable candidates, I really have never had a personal hero.

The last year has been a lot for me. More than I ever thought it would. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I love being a mother. I get incredible happiness from taking care of my baby. And I thought my world was complete and I could be happy forever now that I had my long awaited baby. But that's not what happened.

Life got harder. I knew it would, I expected it to. But then it got even harder, and yet harder. This year has surely been the most challenging year of my life. Taking care of Michael was an endurance test for the first 6 months. Day care, 'nuff said. Work is crap right now and a daily task that I do not look forward to or enjoy. It's a paycheck. A paycheck that we kinda need. My parents and family are crazy, but that's not new.

And through all of this, my husband has done a better job supporting me than he ever has in our marriage. I felt he's fallen short at times throughout our marriage, he hasn't always been the rock. I wondered what would happen with a baby in tow, but he has risen to the occasion. I knew he would be a good father, but he's been a better husband this year than I anticipated.

He cooks dinner most nights. Not usually anything fancy but we've eaten homemade meals most nights because he cooked them.

He does the dishes too. Yes he cooks AND does the dishes. AND, he cleans my pumping supplies every night.

He makes the bed in the morning. I'm not a bed maker and don't care, but it is nice to have a bed made up to get into in the evenings.

He cleans the cat mess and takes out the trash. And he's such a good cat dad too.

He folds and stuffs the diapers. Yes, the secret to my cloth diapering success is that DH does most of it. He stuffs the diapers at night. He makes the wipes every day.

He does the grocery shopping. Every weekend he goes and fights the Wal-Mart crowd so that we have food. I remember before we had a baby and how we went shopping together every weekend. I always really enjoyed having a partner to help me in that task and now he does it alone without complaint.

It probably sounds like I don't do anything around the house and, honestly, a lot of days I feel like that. Really, I'm feeding Michael and taking care of him, to give a little credit to myself, that's no small task. I was also the only one getting up at night to take care of him until very recently, so it's not that I'm just being lazy, but I think taking care of Michael is probably a more enjoyable task than grocery shopping most of the time.

But the most important thing that he does, other than being a good dad, is saving me from myself. I have been at the verge of just totally loosing it and breaking down several times this year and I know that I haven't because of him. Even when I'm just upset and having trouble dealing with things at the moment he can usually step in and make me feel better just by listening to me. He'll even let me throw a tantrum at him and not get upset with me. He's taken the challenges of this year in stride. And he's done it selflessly.

And because of that, I finally know who my hero is.

Happy Anniversary to my hero. I love you.

Christmas Gifts

2010-12-15T21:04:00.004-06:00

I've heard some things on the news about this being a better Christmas, economically speaking, for most and that spending was up and such. Maybe it's because I live in the midwest and we are always a couple of years behind but I have seen much more effort to lighten Christmas financially than previous years. I wonder if anyone else has some observations about that this year.

When it comes to budgeting, I don't do so well. Most of the adults in our families this year have decided not to exchange gifts. That does save us a lot of money but it's still expensive enough.

There are a bunch of kids in the family that we still get gifts for. This year instead of buying toys that will get played with for a few minutes before being lost in the giant toy piles that these kids already have we decided to get them books. Hopefully when they grow up they will have fond memories of the books they read in childhood rather than 'that toy that broke 5 minutes after playing with it'.

I'm also really hoping that Michael gets some books for Christmas. We definitely need a few more to mix things up around here.

I also made each of the kids little string backpacks and put their books in there. So I'm giving them a little something extra that I hope that they'll enjoy and I don't have to wrap their gifts now either!

I had a 2, 4, 6, and 8 year old to make bags for. These are really simple to make and take about 15 mintues each (although I'm sure that a more seasoned crafter could do them more quickly). I made the size of bag in the tutorial for the 2 year old and made each bag after that 2" longer for every 2 years older and a little wider because the size in the tutorial is just about right for Michael (and the 2 year old that I made it for) to wear but way too small for the older kids.

I also saw this tutorial for a flat iron travel case and wish I had an excuse to make it right now because it looks so easy and fun, but I've got enough else to do. But if anyone is looking for a handmade idea....

I'm a little lost as to what to get Michael for Christmas. We ordered him this walker because he's definitely at that stage. I'm thinking about making him some felt blocks or balls or something. I know he'll get a mountain of gifts so I don't want to get him a bunch of stuff, but I feel like since it's his first Christmas we should get him some *special* gift and I'm at a total loss as to what that should be. We did order a personalized Baby's First Christmas ornament that I'm really hoping gets here by Christmas but other than that... eh.

Anyone else out there want to share what was on their holiday shopping lists?

A Christmas Pageant

2010-12-12T22:22:00.007-06:00

Michael's day care had their Christmas Pageant tonight.

There are a lot of things I could say about it and the events leading up to it, but let's stick with the positive: cute.

They got costumes for all the babies and basically had 'babies on parade' for the infants. The one year olds wore snowmen costumes and danced to Frosty the Snowman (I think they stole the show). The older class rooms sang songs. Lots of cute.

They put Michael in a gingerbread man costume. It was a little too big for him, but still cute.

This little girl is the big sister of one of the other infants and kept saying, "Michael, your mommy wants you to look at her," while I was trying to take pictures. It was so cute.

The video didn't upload. I may try again later, but it was basically just the teachers holding the babies walking around in a circle. Whatever, still cute.

Going poor...

2010-12-10T19:41:00.003-06:00

...one copayment at a time.

Michael had his follow up with the urologist this morning and it doesn't look like we are going to need surgery but the uro wants to see him again in a year and check on his hydrocele then. It hasn't completely gone away, but it has greatly reduced in size.

On Wednesday it was deja vu from last week. Day care called me at work. Michael was running a fever and feeling bad. I needed to work so DH drove in and picked him up and took him to the ped. I thought it might be strep but that was negative so we don't know what the problem was this week, probably just a random virus. It gave him a pretty good fever and really wiped him out. DH stayed home with him Thursday and he went back to day care after his urologist appointment today.

So two dr visits this week. Two last week. DH and I were talking about it and if it seems like we are constantly at the drs office, it's because we are. The week before last was Thanksgiving and he was in that week for a cold that he got from MIL's visit (yes, she came up for no good reason and brought a cold with her). The week before that was his ear tube surgery. The week before that was his 9 month well visit. The week before that was the urgent care visit for constipation and strep. The week before that was his ENT appointment (and my ER trip). The we actually had a week off the week before that. But the week before that we started with the thrush....

Ridiculous right? I think you see my point. And it's not like I'm one of those moms that runs to the dr every time the kid sniffles. Before we go in I've talked to a nurse or two and made sure that we absolutely need to go in. Trust me, I'm trying to stay away.

I never, ever would have guessed that we'd spend so much time a the drs office. Sure, I know lots of people that have kids that are sick all the time, but those people are kinda more sickly themselves. And their kids are tiny and frail-ish. Other than the occasional cold, we are healthy people here. And Michael is probably the biggest, healthiest looking baby most people have ever seen (28lbs y'all). And he's breastfed (ROFLMAO... if that was actually helping I'd hate to imagine what it would be like without it)!

So aside from all the missed work and the small fortune we've spent on copays the other really bad consequence from all this sickness is NIGHTWAKING. I had a baby that slept like an angel from 6 weeks to 9 months. Then everything went to hell. And every time he gets better and we think we're going to catch a break he gets sick again. He woke up 7 times the other night. Sorry to whine, but I HAVE GOT TO GET SOME FREAKING SLEEP. I have to work and pretend that I'm not affected by having an infant all day long, which I am failing at, badly.

I've thought about sleep training so many times lately. I've even left him to cry it out for an hour here or there, because, OMG people, I'm about to loose my freakin mind. The problem with doing that is that it ignores that something could be wrong with him, and for the last couple of months there have definitely been things wrong. And I don't want to go through all that work only to have him get sick, AGAIN, and throw all the progress out the window.

Please Little Buddy, give Mommy and Daddy a chance to rest.

I AM a lucky girl

2010-12-04T21:47:00.003-06:00

I take back any complaining I did about the first part of the week because on Wednesday Michael got a stomach bug and started running a fever and got diarrhea (cha cha cha) and then the vomit started.

DH stayed home with him all Thursday and I came home after a only a few hours of work to help take care of him. I wanted to be home to nurse him since he's not much for bottles and we were risking dehydration with as much as was coming out of both ends of him. Friday DH stayed home alone with him.

The poor little guy just had a awful time day and night. I don't think anyone has gotten much more than 2 hours of sleep around here in the last couple of days.

And the puking. Yuck. Poor kid, it's just awful when it happens. And it's never just once. There's the initial puke, then the follow up, and the finish up, and sometimes the bonus round. Puking is just such and awful feeling and I know it scares him when it happens. And I have been the puke receptacle of choice around here. He's thrown up on me all but 2 times. Lots of showers and laundry around here lately.

I took him to the dr. on Wednesday after day care called me. Then things were still so bad on Friday that we took him back again and he hadn't lost too much weight and since he's such a healthy size they weren't too worried but there was about an entire day when everything that went in came back out the same end. And he completely rejected solids. We did get a prescription for zofran for him which is nice to have on hand. And I'll just note that he's had his flu shots, there is some kind of stomach bug circulating around these parts.

He seemed to be all better by Friday evening and then this morning I was celebrating that he hadn't puked in long time and boom, more puke and a slight fever again. Definitely premature celebration.

I was telling a co worker about all the vomit-coated, night-waking that we have been having and she commented, scarcastically, that I was a, "lucky girl.' And I said back to her, "But I AM a lucky girl!" My baby isn't such a lucky little boy right now, but I still feel like a pretty lucky girl, even when things get messy.

---

Michael said "Mama" clear as day today! But I can't say that he totally understood that he was saying a word, so I'm not counting it but he does a lot of "ma-ma-ma" crying right now and I kid you not, the kid says "Iwantmama" when he can't see me and gets fussy, but again, I don't know that he really gets what he's saying.

Oy... bad Monday, better Tuesday

2010-11-30T21:02:00.007-06:00

After just celebrating my defeat of thrush in my last post, I pulled out my breast to pump Monday morning and immediately saw that my breast was red and hot. Lovely. I have mastitis.

I didn't treat it with antibiotics last time I got it and I thought about leaving it, but I didn't want to deal with it if it got worse so I decided to get it checked out. I called urgent care and they were packed. Then I called McSoothy and she's on vacation. Then I called my old primary and she was booked. So finally I got in at the "extended care" walk in clinic and got seen by a really creepy nurse practitioner. I kid you not, he called me "Baby" (after getting a look at my toasty knocker). It was weird. He clearly didn't know what to do (his first recommendation was anti inflammatories) but I'd called the LC and she'd already told me the recommended antibiotic and dosage so I gave it to him.

It really does seem to be a mild case so I'm not bothered by it. I think it happened because Michael skipped a few feedings over the long weekend and my breasts stayed a lot fuller than they should. Sometimes I think the universe is trying to tell me to stop breastfeeding.

I felt like mastitis was enough for Monday, but then I picked up Michael and noticed that they hadn't written down any milk for him so I asked to see the collection bottle I'd sent that morning. I'd sent a small bottle with fresh that I'd pumped Sunday and some bags of frozen milk. None of the frozen milk was touched. Only about half of the fresh milk was used and I know that there was only 4.5 oz in the bottle and some of that was used to make his oatmeal in the morning.

Nothing was written on his sheet so I asked the teacher still there what happened and she didn't know since she'd been in the other room all day. Then I caught the "manager" on the way out and asked her who manager for the baby home these days is. She said, "When something goes wrong I yell at Brit." What kind of answer is that? And on top of all of that it appeared that his regular teacher who I love and he does great with was let go so that's why she wasn't there.

That night was rough. Michael wanted milk badly but I had very little to give him since my supply was readjusting from the weekend (having too much milk for a couple of days kills my supply). I got him to take a couple of ounces from a bottle after I was tapped out. He wouldn't touch solids but was struggling for milk. I was so angry I could barely sleep.

I confronted Brit about it the next day. She'd only made one bottle for him before lunch and he refused it and she didn't try again. The bottom line of the story is that she pretty much failed Michael Monday. I told her I was pissed and he's been drinking 5-6 oz per day and that he's usually thirstier in the afternoon. They did better today and he drank 6 oz. And it turns out that his teacher wasn't let go... but since I like her I'm sure it will only be a matter of time until the management takes a wrong turn sicking it's head up it's ass again and gets rid of another good teacher.

In happier news, Michael turned 10 months today.

He knows to smile for the camera but makes a really cheesy smile now. I hope he grows back into something a little more natural.

Not really a smile, but more natural at least.

And in this round of "coincidence or the tubes" he finally started imitating sounds last week. He's working hard on making different sounds now. We can say a sound to him and he'll try to repeat it. And he still won't make "mmm" sounds normally, but when he gets upset he makes something that sounds like "mamamamama". He also thinks it's hilarious when we say "Bad Cat". This new level of interaction is a lot of fun and really rewarding.

He finally started a more traditional crawl the other week instead of just rolling. He's getting places quicker but he'd rather be up and walking but I don't think he'll get there until closer to a year.

Gentian Violet for Thrush

2010-11-27T21:30:00.003-06:00

I was so excited about this long weekend. I was going to get so much done and catch up on sleep and maybe even get a few posts up on the old blog... not so much it appears. I'm still running to catch up around here but I though I would contribute to internet by talking about treating 'our' thrush with gentian violet.

I love breast feeding. But I don't love that, for me, it has meant regular bouts of pain for one reason or another. Certainly, the early days were awful. I saw someone somewhere comapare breastfeeding to getting your toenails ripped off. That seems accurate to me. But even after healing up from the beginning, pain has never been too far off. I know that breastfeeding shouldn't hurt, but I also think it's *normal* for it to hurt.

When my nipples started hurting in early October I blamed it on the cold weather and my thin nursing undergarments leading to some chapped skin and put up with it for that reason. Why it didn't alarm me that the skin was peeling off my nipples is beyond me, but again, I have come to expect pain. It was nearly two weeks later when the pediatrician spotted thrush in Michael's mouth that I realized that I'd been ignoring the obvious.

I got oral nystatin for Michael and some nystatin cream for me and I felt instant relief when I put that cream on so I was optimistic that it would work. And both of us were taking probiotics too. But several weeks later we were still fighting it. Then some more nystatin was called in for each of us. More pain of course. And I'll tell you, it surprises the hell out of me that some fungus can cause that much hurt. It felt like he was biting me at every nursing session.

But after about a month of fighting it, I was sick and tired and ready to try the internet recommended remedy Gentian Violet. But I wasn't really sure how to use it. I was afraid because I'd heard how messy it is. I read a couple of websites and then just did my own thing and it seems to have worked. So here's what I did in case anyone's interested.

I got a bottle of 1% USP Gentian Violet from the pharmacy. I used it at night before bed only. I laid out a paper towel to protect the vanity and pressed a clean cotton ball up against the bottle to get a good amount on the cotton ball (don't mess with the dip stick, you'll be up all night trying to paint it on with that). Then I applied it to my nipples. I got a good solid coating. Do not try to apply to the whole areola, that would make a big mess, just the nipple and the base of the nipple. Then I got a new cotton ball and did it to the other side. I let my breast dry for a minute (it dries really quickly). Then I put on an old t-shirt.

Then it was time to put Michael to bed. I dressed him in dark colored night shirt. I nursed him like normal. He got a purple mouth from the gentian violet. Theoretically was treating him too.

Did it get all over his face? Yeah, pretty much. This is what my baby looked like in the morning. I wouldn't really recommend taking your baby out like this unless you want stares. I did it after Michael's tube surgery since he was staying home those days.

Most of it came off by bedtime the next night. Another day later and he would be back to normal coloring. I saw very, very few purple spots on anything (mostly just clothes). I wouldn't recommend this if your baby likes to chew on your white couch, but I didn't really have any messy problems.

We did this for four nights. I'm hesitant to declare victory because you are never really without yeast, but I haven't had any pain from thrush since about 24 hours after the first application and that was more than a week ago.

So a month of unsuccessful nystatin compared to 4 nights of gentian violet... I think the violet wins. It's cheaper, easier, quicker, and not nearly as messy as I had heard. I know there is some concern about carcinogenic effects but I don't think that amount I used to treat thrush would pose a danger to either of us... and the alternative was constantly pushing nystatin in Michael's mouth and rubbing cream on me and that doesn't seem too great either.

Another week down

2010-11-20T15:35:00.007-06:00

The tube surgery went really well. We were scheduled to be the second case that morning and the first case never showed up and we didn't really have any down time waiting at the hospital since we got moved up, so that was nice. We definitely were over prepared.

He did well. He's a very curious baby so he was too busy checking everything out to notice that he was being taken from mom and dad. He was gone for about a half hour and then we were called back to his prep room and told he was on his way. After several minutes of waiting I got antsy, expecting to have my baby back already and stepped out into the hall to see a nurse being wheeled down the hall in a wheel chair holding my groggy baby. He nursed and slept for awhile and we went home. He slept on the car ride home and then took a long nap when we got home. It was a nice little break for us... well for DH, I held him the whole nap. And then he was back to himself after that.

Cutest little patient!

We haven't seen any dramatic changes from the tubes. And I wasn't really expecting any. His ears weren't that bad... bad enough, but not that bad. The biggest one is that he's not picking at his ears constantly. He'd scratched up the inside of his ears a bit before the tubes and they are healing now. And he finally responded to his name. Although it could be a coincidence, I've been waiting on him to do this for awhile and paying a lot of attention and he finally did it the other day.

And when we were at the hospital we were probably less than 50 feet from the door to my fertility clinic's office. I really, REALLY wanted to stop by and show off the baby and DH was a big stick in the mud and said no. We didn't really have time but it would have been nice since we were right there. (And I would have called first to make sure it was ok. I wouldn't just march a baby into the waiting room of a fertility clinic. My clinic is pretty small so there weren't normally many patients in the waiting room.)

MIL was really insistent on coming up after the surgery and helping out. I didn't really think that was necessary and had DH explain that it isn't that big of a deal but she was really pushing. I wasn't going to let her and then DH pointed out that we could go see Harry Potter if she was here. I didn't even know it was coming out this week. I've been living under a rock for awhile. So we let her come and we went to one of the late shows last night.

But MIL pulled her weird, 'ok, I've been here for 5 minutes, time to leave' crap again. She showed up after lunch on Thursday (I was at work, DH was home with Michael) and when I got home DH mentioned that she thought she would leave out Friday now. Honestly, I was only ok with her coming because of the Harry Potter incentive, so DH talked her into staying until Saturday like planned. Then this morning she woke up and left before even having a cup of coffee. I don't know what her deal is, but I just don't get it. It was her idea to come in the first place.